My Many Faces Of Depression

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It use to be before medications I never knew who I was going to be when I woke up in the morning.  If I felt great I would get out of bed, if not turn over and go back to sleep.  Medications changed all that.

 Now mix depression with pain killers if I wasn’t down then I was too buzzed on Oxycondin.  My best friend would tell me something in the morning that we discussed the night before I had no recollection of the conversation.  He use to come in to check on me and find me sleeping in the craziest places.  Once under my cabinet sewing machine.  When I would wake up in the morning I would have to look in my sink to find a clue what I had to eat the day before.  That was my worst face of depression, just dull all feelings alone with the pain.  The pain was caused by back injuries years ago after a motorbike accident.

Another face of my depression was I would call home to my mother.  I would gather enough of my senses to have a conversation that sounded have decent so that she wouldn’t be worrying about me.

Then there is a face of depression that still bothers me today, my mind is always racing.  For me to sleep at night I start my bedtime routine hours before I decide to close my eyes.  There have been times my mind would be racing causing insomnia.  There is just any medication that can help, unless I want to feel like a walking zombie.

Anger is also a face of my depression before medication and counselling.  It would go off at the least little thing.  Then five minutes later I would be on even keel.  I wasn’t violent but it did cause me alot of headaches.  When out in public around others I fought to sound like a reasonable person.  Keeping my thoughts coherrent instead of being dis-jointed was a battle in and of it’s own.  Anger is no longer a menace in my life and for that I am thankful.

I have been quite stable for over fifteen years now.  Seeing my pysch doctor is not a must, but I can always approach if needs be.  Opioids were ancient history since about 2005, the strongest pain killer I take now is Tylenol 3.

Well, those are the many faces of my depression through my journey to have stable mental health.  It has been rough, but, I feel great now!

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