Life’s is funny, just when you think you have the rules down pat life decides to change them leaving you in a tailspin.
In the past two weeks I have been reliving things from my childhood, things I thought I had dealt with and moved on from. One incident that happened to my relative seemed to have caused a crack in the dam bursting it and my mind was flooded with flashbacks.
I am one who doesn’t hold grudges for they serve no purpose and tend to make a person miserable, full of hate, and revenge. Now do not get me wrong I am not one that believes I should be a doormat for someone to walk all over me.
Since that incident two weeks ago my lone time has been a time of feeling overwhelmed. The evenings seemed so much longer, morning arriving too soon.
One incident, two weeks of childhood events playing like a continous re-run, a flood of flashbacks!
I have sat down at my laptop many times since my last post. Each time I start one I find myself hitting the delete button. When I write I want it to mean something, something worth saying!
It started last Monday when I received a phone call bright and early with a family member in distress. What I found out later disturbed me greatly. It brought back scenes of my own days of an abusive father.
So, I have been on the downward swing ever since. I jump every time the phone rings, my heart begins to race. Just like the adage declares, ‘sitting on pins and needles’.
Oh, I know deep down this is a setback, though minor. I will find my way back to the other side of this.
All I can do is work to have my pendulum swing back to the happy side!
I probably could guess what my high school english teachers would say about my grasp on the writings of the one and only William Shakespeare, more than likely poor would be the answer.
For as long as I can remember I had a deep inner need to feel accepted. Maybe, that is a given for any number of men, women, boys, and girls. Try as I must I felt I could never live up to standards of those around me.
It was the same when I was active in ministry. Oh, I could hold my own in the music department, but when it came to standing behind the pulpit I felt inadequate. I strived to master my technique in the delivering of my messages. Yet, at times I felt so out of place.
This feeling of being out of place became quite intense when I first started experiencing panic attacks. From this, all manner of other things seemed to flow. I found myself becoming quite reclusive. It was the complete opposite of my character as a Gospel musician and minister of the Word. Back then I was not bothered by being out front of a crowd. Now I totally become nauseous at the thoughts of being in a crowd.
I have been battling and am still battling some inner conflicts. Conflicts that stemmed from all I was raised to believe. This is why I made the decision to leave full time ministry.
Maybe, William understood this internal battle of needing acceptance of being true to oneself. We can feel it through all his writings.
To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
First let me say a great big “Thank You” to everyone who has decided to follow this blog. It truly means a lot to me!
I have been away from writing for several days on purpose. I really did not have much to write about. I always take time to think about what I want to share, then how to share it with you, the reader.
I however have been trying to read all the new posts but I admit I am falling behind on my reading. There are so many great articles being written and also I find new ones to read as they are suggested through the WordPress Reader’s Page. I am doing my utmost best in catching up on my reading. I am almost ready to tackle the keyboard and share with you a new post of this blog.
So, I ask you, “Please Be Patient With Me”! Thank You!
When I entered high school I was a fish out of water. I stood 6’1″ and weighed only ninety-nine pounds. I was teased endlessly for being so skinny. I felt initimidated by other guys my own age. They were bigger, weighed much more, and some had full beards. During gymn class I just wanted to climb into a locker and hide. I just wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.
This feeling followed me for most of my life. I did not follow in my father’s foot steps and he liked to make me feel small for it. I chose to go to a high school that was pure academic, no trade classes. I also worked on my piano skills so that I could follow a calling of singing and playing Gospel music.
Finally, after going through stays in the mental health ward I began to see myself differently. My body had not changed much, I was still tall and skinny but I began to shed the taunts and teasing about my body. I was learning to be comfortable in my own skin causing me to feel more relaxed around others. I was no longer trying to gain acceptance by my peers.
It is amazing how my brain began to change of how I looked when I saw my reflection in a mirror. My outlook took a dramatic turn. I am no longer tall and skinny, but I have lost some height, just part of aging, and also have gain much weight due to a year of inmobility.
My acceptance of being bi-polar has also helped my comfortability of myself.
Que será, será Whatever will be, will be The future’s not ours to see Que será, será What will be, will be
Some believe in ‘divine providence’, others ‘fate’, and others believe they are in charge of their destiny, others like the song above, ‘what will be will be’. For me it depends on how I am feeling when asked the question about my destiny, future.
At the present moment of this post I am just letting happen what happens and accepting it for what it is. It does not mean that it is a glimpse of what tomorrow or years from now will look like. The present is just a snapshot in time, no more, no less.
So, like the song above; Que será, será Whatever will be, will be!
Have you ever had a pair of jeans that you just hate to put in the trash bin. I mean you have them broke in, comfortable, soft, and yes, almost down to nothing but white thread. Holes in the knees and other places that your mom says is disgraceful. Habits are like those pair of jeans.
I remember hearing someone talk about you can tell how an adult was raised by watching what they do after a meal. If they are full of energy, it probably means after a meal their mother more than likely sent them outside to play. The other scenario is after a meal the adult wants to lay down and take a nap. It goes without saying that their mother probably had them take a nap after their meal.
With my dealing of being bi-polar I have had to deal with some of my old habits. Negative thinking, procrastination, thinking about what it is like to be dead, all those and a multitude of more. I am the first to admit I am a fifty-seven year old man who is set in his ways and I do not like change.
To deal with those old nasty, musty smelling habits you must commit yourself to change. Change should mean progression, new attitude and outlook on life around you. Not holding onto the pass, but trying to look ahead with the effort of moving forward.
The best place to start with old habits is taking those old pair of jeans and placing them in the trash can!
Two incidents of mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton, Ohio.
After I heard about a two year old was a victim of gun shot I had to turn away from all the news channels on the Canadian and the American channels.
I have sat down to write a post on this blog only to find a knot gnawing in my stomach. I just couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening in my neighbours to the south of the border. Forgive me, I just do not understand that level of hatred and to be perfectly honest I hope and pray I will never know it. I can be angry at someone but never would the thought to do them harm or cause them to die be part of my anger.
On any other day I would write and say that I hate distractions, but this weekend I have done all that I can do to just find distractions. I found myself watching old tv shows that I grew up with like sci-fi, and super heroes. A very nice distraction on Sunday was my daughter once again surprised me with her visit.
A saying from Africa: “It takes a village to raise a child.”
Before it was easy to migrate to areas from your home town most would marry someone from close by. I did not. My first wife was from Saskatchewan and I was raised around the city of Windsor, Ontario. I moved to the province of Saskatchewan to stay on as the organist with the evangelist now pastor moved there.
Small towns and villages have their own unique sense of belonging. More than likely the children in the village had more than just their parents looking out for their welfare. Everyone knew everyone else.
It is the same when a person faces illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, and yes, mental health challenges. We have The Cancer Society, Diabetes Association, and many more who are advocates, specialists of that certain illness that a person can turn to for information, and wholelistic support.
Before I became aware of the vast sea of people on WordPress all I had was the professional information and support. Outside of that I did not know anyone else facing the challenges like myself to talk to, to support each other.
Instead I found myself in the role and advocate of what a bi-polar person faces.
I became my own best advocate
I dispelled misinformation with facts
I was my own research department
Plus many other roles
Those were the foundation of which I now draw upon each and every day.
Upon that foundation I am now part of a multitude of the village called WordPress.