Just Live!

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“To create more positive results in your life, replace ‘if only’ with ‘next time’.”– Unknown – From: https://www.keepinspiring.me/quotes-about-change-in-life/

It seems like yesterday, the day my daughter was born. I was sitting in the waiting area watching t.v.  My mom and her boyfriend decided they were going have some breakfast.  It was a Sunday morning, around 7:05 a.m. a nurse brought a little baby girl out so that I could hold her.  They didn’t clean her up yet, but that didn’t bother me, my whole world at that moment was revolving around this tiny little human.  That tiny little girl has just turn thirty-five years old.

There is something that I use to tell young people, I guess I still would, “before you settle down and start a family do yourself a favor, take some time and see your country.  I was fortunate for I was seeing my country playing the piano or organ, better yet I was being paid.  Those are memories I hold close to me, they are what comforts me when I get the itch to move.

Now I am experiencing a new part of my life, life as a father, and a grateful grandfather.  The youngest turns eight in February.  When they come to visit it gives me a rush of adrenaline.

All through those years I struggled within me, highs and lows, not understanding what was ailing my mind.  It wasn’t until around 2004 I had the answer, I was bi-polar.  With the help of my psychiatrist I was put on a regiment of medications, medications that keep me balance. 

If while you are young and able to go, go see the country, experience other cultures, their food, their music, taste, feel, hear, and listen.  So, when the family comes along you will have some memories that no one, anything can rob you of them.

So, take a deep breath, and just put your foot one in front of the other. Go and just live life to the fullest! You won’t regret it!

A Re-blog: Depression Treatment The B12 Way — No Stress

Depression Treatment The B12 Way Depression. It’s not just a word. It’s not just “the blues.” It’s a serious medical condition that affects countless individuals around the globe. In fact, some statistics put the figure of people who suffer the symptoms of depression in the millions. Regardless of your age, gender, social status, or location,…

via Depression Treatment The B12 Way — No Stress



Have You Made A Choice

On This Poll?

Make Your Choice Today

Definitions

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Don’t compare yourself with other people; compare yourself with who you were yesterday. Jordan Peterson
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/yourself-quotes

Growing up was a mix of good and bad, the bad was the part I wish I could forget forever.  When someone met me for the first time the comment would be something like this; “gee your tall and so skinny”.  They defined me before I could say a word, spend time with me. Yes, they defined me when they didn’t even know me.

I can still hear the taunts that some kids would make about the others.  Such as; “four eyes”, “humpty dumpty”, “crater face”, and many more.  You see my point, I let people define me instead of me defining myself to them.

Those were the elementary days.  High School wasn’t much better, kids who took sciences were “brainy”, those who had computer classes were “geeks”, others were called “pencil pushers” if they took a lot of math based classes.

It is the same in the workplace people defining others at first glimpse. “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover”, need not apply

I can honestly say that I do my level best not to define someone without getting to know that person.  Not defining them because of looks, level of formal education, work, etc.,

So, dear reader, who defines you, you or the person that meets you for the first time?



Have You Voted In The Poll?

If Not Here Is Your Chance!

 

Change Name Of Blog

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“It’s only after you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone that you begin to change, grow, and transform.”
― Roy T. Bennett

GoodReads

Since I have taken steps towards change within me I have come to a new point of this blog.  That being would be to give it a new name, a new face.

So I am asking for your help with your input on what that name should be.  If everyone who reads this post would take time to answer in the poll below.

I am going to keep this going until January 30, 2020.

Let me take the time at this moment to say, “thank you” for your participation!


P.S. It was suggested that I should add another option, something more cheerful.

I have been thinking about this for several months, it felt like I was hitting a brick wall.

If you have something to suggest please say so. I am open for changes. 

Maybe add three more choices to the poll.

Thanks Chelsea!

Thank you Vee for pointing out a typo on the date!

***I am extending the length of time for the poll. To February 15, 2020


Personal Progress Report

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Those who improve with age embrace the power of personal growth and personal achievement and begin to replace youth with wisdom, innocence with understanding, and lack of purpose with self-actualization. Bo Bennett
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/personal-growth-quotes

I woke up this morning with this thought on my mind.  That being is, my road to recovery is personal.  It is not a template that can be overlaid on somebody else.

Everyone is at a different moment in their recovery, different age, different circumstances.  Each are on different types of treatments, different medications.  Everyone has to find their personal road to recovery, chart their own progression.

For me my road has taken twists and turns.  I may have days where I will backslide for one reason, I am only human.

One more aspect of this journey I am on, I have started to apply it to my dietary regimen.  I have lost some weight already, no I am no Adonis,  hehehehe  🙂

I have also thought to myself that maybe I am just on the spectrum side of manic.  Whatever this is, I feel that I have taken a couple of steps forward.

I would encourage all who read this not to give up trying. You may take two steps forward then fall three steps back.  The important thing is that you don’t stay back there. Pick yourself up and try and try again.

So, dear reader I lift a glass for your personal success!

Bracing, Embracing – Change

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The natural response of the old-timers is to build a strong moral wall against the outside. This is where the world starts to be painted in black and white, saints inside, and sinners outside the wall. Mary Douglas
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/search_results?q=against+the+wall

 

Bracing Against DefinitionThe expression is generally used to mean to hold oneself against something for support (strength) preparing for an impact. However, I more often hear it used in a figurative sense: She braced herself for/against the bad news that she knew the doctor was going to tell her.

Bracing Against

For the past several posts I have been writing about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have been working at changing my negatives with positives.  It really isn’t easy because it is difficult to undo a lifetime of bad habits mentally.

I have two choices about what I should do, I can brace against it, or I can embrace it.  For me my first choice is to brace against something.  I think it is a defense against hurt and betrayal.  Bracing against things keeps my muscles tense and my brain aching.  It keeps me from ever taking the offense in any given situation.  I spoke about it when I wrote about “Learning New Tricks“.

To Embrace Definition –  To embrace something is to welcome it with open arms, hold, hug, accept completely. You might embrace your sweetheart, or even changes in technology.

I have decided to embrace the new, let go of the old.  What is amazing between bracing against, embracing something is two small letters, “em“.

EM Definition – word-forming element meaning “put in or into, bring to a certain state,” sometimes intensive

I have been living in one certain state of mind, the negative mind.  Now I am learning to live or bring to a certain state, a mind that is positive, peaceful.  Yes, two little letters make a world of difference.

There are probably many ways to accomplish this lesson.  I feel I would choose meditation.  My favorite way is play some of my favorite music. people-taking-group-picture-3184398

Matthew Blog Of The Wolf Boy writes about trying Yoga in latest post “Hot Yoga, Soul Searching and Male-Female Friendships” .

So, as I continue on this journey I am making a conscience effort to “Embrace” rather than “Brace Against”

Re Blogged from: Anxiety Treatment – The Natural Remedy for Anxiety Relief — No Stress

Anxiety Treatment – The Natural Remedy for Anxiety Relief L-Theanine, naturally occurring in green tea, proves effective in dealing with anxiety symptoms and providing anxiety relief Anxiety is a state of intense fear, uncertainty, uneasiness, or apprehension due to anticipation of an imagined or real threatening future event. Anxiety can be both physically and psychologically…

via Anxiety Treatment – The Natural Remedy for Anxiety Relief — No Stress

Learning New Tricks

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“Change is the end result of all true learning.”
― Leo Buscaglia

https://www.dashe.com/blog/motivation/inspiring-learning-quotes/

I am not sure who came up with this line: “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”.  I believe the opposite is true. Yes, learning is not so easy as an older person, but it is possible over a elongated period of time.

Lately I have been hearing and reading about “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy”

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a psycho-social intervention that aims to improve mental health. CBT focuses on challenging and changing unhelpful cognitive distortions and behaviors, improving emotional regulation, and the development of personal coping strategies that target solving current problems. Wikipedia



I feel, because I have been exploring this trying to re-train my mind how to think, discern, react, is a doable thing.

For several posts now I have been doing a deep introspection to find new ways of dealing with the severity of being bi-polar and depression.  I can feel the affects working slowly within me.

I am not sure exactly where this journey will take me, but for now I am taking this chance!

Tips That I Have Tried & Proven

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I think blogging, by and large, is basically therapy. And I’m sure, and I know, that there are some terrific bloggers and some legitimate bloggers. But I think, by and large, a huge percentage of people who are blogging are doing it for self-therapy. Mike Barnicle
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/blogging-quotes

Please be kind to me for I am stepping out of my comfort zone.  I want to share with you some advice that I am experiencing in my blog.  Wondering how people are finding my blog, watching numbers climb upward.  

So here I go:

1. Keeping it real:

Somewhere in the distant past of this blog I took a chance with my writing and started to write about my journey of being bi – polar.  Nervously I hit the “Publish” button.  Strange as it sounds it felt good.

I have kept writing about myself, once in a while maybe a guest blogger, or re-blog something that speaks to me.  I figure it this way, I know me, I know my strengths, weakness’, can’t go wrong with keeping it real.

2.  Categories and Tags:

Now this subject I am still learning.  I had a mess for I did not understand the concepts.  It took an email to Vee #MILLENNIALLIFECRISIS asked her a question, and she was kind enough to give me a quick tutorial on both concepts.

I am limiting the number of Categories, and trying to use tags more than once.  Example: #Rethinking Scripture is a tag in every post.

3. Interact:

There is one thing I am not hesitant in doing.  That is, I love dialogue, interacting with people. I seem to get an adrenaline rush by it.

I only leave a comment when I feel I have something to offer in the spirit of that post. If I like it I just hit “like”.

For everyone that sends a “like” or a “follow” I take time to check out their blog.  It is amazing where that has led me in the WordPress community.

 The result of interaction is I have begun some online friendships as we share back and forth.

Well, those are the three tips I wanted to share with you! I hope you find them useful!

Do you have some tips to share?  Post them in the comment section so others can read them!

To Be or Not To Be Perfect!

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Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough – that we should try again. Julia Cameron
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/perfectionism-quotes

For as far back as I can recall I was always a perfectionist.  Some of it was to prove to my father I could do something correctly.

In one area of my life being a perfectionist helped me attain my goal, to learn the piano.  My mother told me that during those years that she knew when I was frustrated, apparently I would scratch the top of my head.

I can see that it would work against me, for when I failed at something I would put myself down, calling into question my ability to do anything right.  I now can see that I would show it to others through my attitude.  Despair was always just waiting for me to stumble and fail.

I now understand it is important how we tell our children to reach their goals. Never give them the feeling that if they don’t get it right that you do not respect them any longer.

For as long as I am breathing, becoming perfect is an unobtainable goal.  I am learning to roll with the punches!

Medications – Be Informed 2

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This is the last of the medications I take to treat me being bi-polar.  My medications is what keeps me stable.  A lot of mood stabilizers!



Medications Continued

Quetiapine

Uses

This medication is used to treat certain mental/mood conditions (such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, sudden episodes of mania or depression associated with bipolar disorder). Quetiapine is known as an anti-psychotic drug (atypical type). It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural substances (neurotransmitters) in the brain.

Side Effects

Constipation, drowsiness, upset stomach, tiredness, weight gain, blurred vision, or dry mouth may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, tell your doctor promptly.

Dizziness or light headedness may occur, especially when you first start or increase your dose of this drug. Dizziness and light headedness can increase the risk of falling. Get up slowly when rising from a sitting or lying position.


Information from:  WebMD.com

 

Looking In – A Journey Of Introspection

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Introspection
Description

Introspection is the examination of one’s own conscious thoughts and feelings. In psychology, the process of introspection relies exclusively on observation of one’s mental state, while in a spiritual context it may refer to the examination of one’s soul. Wikipedia

Virgo.svgIf I was a believer of Astrological Signs I would be a Virgo. There is a personality trait that is considered a negative, that being too critical of others.  For me that is so true, I can be harshly critical of others around me.  It is something that for the past amount of time I have been fighting with everything I have.   

For the past few blog posts has been my effort of finding quality traits of my being.  Yes, it isn’t easy for when you have been focused on all the rotten traits changing your focus is a very daunting task.

I am not saying that I will never have bad days again for I know that is very much likely.  I know that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. Medications is what keeps me from sliding backwards.

I am not a professional, not a Physician, Psychiatrist, or even a counselor so what works for this human being may not be the path for others to follow.

So, follow this blogger’s travel of introspection!

 

 

Re Blogged- 9 things you should not say to someone with OCD — Overcoming OCD

It is extremely important for OCD sufferers to surround themselves with people who can support them. My loved ones have helped me a lot and without the support of my family and friends, I would have never been able to learn how to keep my OCD under control. I’ve always been a very social person […]

via 9 things you should not say to someone with OCD — Overcoming OCD

Hello Contentment!

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When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you. Lao Tzu
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/content-quotes

I can remember what I was like in my twenties, couldn’t discern between my wants and needs.  I wanted everything that others of my age had.  To be honest this attitude kept me frustrated.  The harder I tried the poorer I was financially.  I am reminded of a saying that I heard quite often when I was younger, “keeping up with the Jones”.  I have also heard this about people trying to keep up, “champagne tastes on a beer budget”.

Now I understand when people are frustrated, maybe stuck in a going nowhere job, maybe seeking employment, or trying to do better for your children than you had it when you were a child.  

Years of living have brought a living learning experience.  I can now differentiate between wants and needs.

The best thing that has helped me with budgeting is able to do online banking. With just a couple of clicks I can pay bills, check my balance, and yes, buy things that I cannot find locally.

I live with a fixed income, probably below the poverty line, yet I can say I have a pretty good life.  Roof above my head, food for the table, and more than one change of clothes.  Extras like, cable tv, phone(land line), internet, and probably much more.

So, I can honestly say I find myself with total contentment!

Middle Age & Bi-Polar

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Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that’ll get you home earlier.
Dan Bennett

As a kid growing up I never thought about that the year will one day be 2000.  Old was my grandparents, or at least they looked like it.  No thought given to being vulnerable, rather the opposite, indestructible.  Never gave thought to my mortality, just a naive kid who thought that playing games, watching silly tv shows would go on forever and ever.

Then came the heady twenties.  Thoughts of making millions of dollars, living in spacious houses, dreams of pots of gold at the end of every rainbow.  Wondering who I would eventually fall in love with, have a dream wedding, settle down and then think about starting a wonderful family.  Like the host of some game show, “all this could be yours…”.

The next thing I realized the my “happily ever after” life was falling apart, that I didn’t have the answers to fix everything that was going wrong.  Believing full heartily what the preacher said “till death do you part” because divorce was for someone else, not you.

My forties are somewhat sketchy, in and out of treatment, battling blood clots, pneumonia didn’t leave much time to be carefree.

Present day, beginning to stare at the age of sixty somewhat looking forward to it.  Why, because I have come to grips with being a middle age, white hair, not so thin, man.

I love the fact of three pre-teen grandchildren when they visit because all that hyper energy is for the young to raise.

I have accepted the fact of living in a bi-polar brain, taking my medications for the rest of my life, including Warfarin to prevent blood clots forming again in my body.

Yes, I am a fifty-eight year old middle age man who just happens to suffer with being bi-polar who is at ease with the whole thing!

Black & White & Grey?

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“Break your bad labels instead of living in them.”
― Orrin Woodward

When we are born, we are born with a very limited amount of tags.  Boy, girl, given name, and surname.  Basically we are a completely blank slate.

As we grow we are taught how to place labels on others.  Fat, skinny, tall, short, gay, straight, etc.,   We also place labels on ourselves, I’m stupid, ugly, dumb, crazy, we start believing the labels we have placed on ourselves.  Almost a self – fulfilling prophecy. 

Self-fulfilling prophecy refers to the socio-psychological phenomenon of someone “predicting” or expecting something, and this “prediction” or expectation comes true simply because one believes it will, and their resulting behaviors align to fulfil those beliefs. This suggests peoples’ beliefs influence their actions. Wikipedia

Even religion likes to place labels on people.  We place labels on others to make ourselves feel better.

I grew up being called skinny, that I would never be anything, fag, all the names that kids use on the school yard playground.  Yes, I admit I was skinny, when I entered high school I only weighed about ninety-nine pounds.

I went through school feeling inadequate, less than a human.  It wasn’t until I became proficient in my musical skills that I began to feel good about myself.

I traveled around Canada and parts of the States meeting people of all cultures, colors, shapes and sizes.  I never, not once, met two people who were the same.  Oh, they may have similiar characteristics, but as a whole totally different.

When I left active ministry I began to shed all those habits of labeling others. Why, I found that as I began to know the person, I found that maybe the label I would have placed on him or her did not fit. 

I remember a chorus I learned in Sunday School:

Jesus loves the little children,

All the children of the world,

Red and yellow, black or white,

They are all precious in His sight.

 

I found out that life is not all black & white or even grey.  It truly is all the colors of this world!

Re Blogged Using Guest Bloggers — Blogging 101 dot GA

Owners of a successful blog that has a large following may sometimes have the need to use guest bloggers. An example of when this practice may be a good idea is when the owner of a popular blog will be unavailable to post new blog entries for an extended period of time. In this case…

via Using Guest Bloggers — Blogging 101 dot GA

May I Present To You…

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Negative thinking is subtle and deceptive. It wears many faces and hides behind the mask of excuses. It is important to strip away the mask and discover the real, root emotion. Robert H. Schuller
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/mask-quotes

I have lived my life guarding it from all onlookers.  I kept people at a distance, never truly trusting anyone.  I have been hurt the worst when I did open myself to others.  I learned that this saying is true; “familiarity breeds contempt”.  

I started this blog to write about all things Biblical.  I struggled to write any posts for deep inside me there was this person who needed to surface to have some fresh air.

Somewhere in these passing few months that person surfaced, ready to share his true feelings, feelings of fear, dread, hating to get out of bed each morning.

I learned a lot as a preacher, musician, about how to put on a show for people.  Giving them a caricature that wore a mask.  

I was the preacher everyone thought I should be.  I knew all the right portions of Scripture, every nuance, how to weave a message from beginning to end.  I was full of energy while ministering in song and the Word. But, as soon as I reached the inside of my apartment I was drained, weary, and feeling totally abandoned.

Even now being in a crowd I have energy while being with them, but cannot wait to leave the gathering and just disappeared into my safe little world of my space.

Slowly, very slowly, somewhat cautious, that person who needed to breathe has been revitalized able to express himself.

I would like to thank everyone who has clicked “follow”, left a “comment”. 

Thank you for the encouragement that has allowed this person to be begin to breathe.

May I present…

Down The Rabbit Hole

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Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs. It’s a journey of discovery – there are moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair. Rick Warren
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/despair-quotes

Background: 

There was one place I knew I could go, feel comfortable, safe, protected, that was my maternal grandparents home.

They lived in the rural area around Essex, Ontario.  This was before cable tv, video games, computers, etc., They didn’t have a television, yet I loved spending my days there. I called it my second home.

While my grandfather was living it was not uncommon for him to take out the guitar and practice, sometimes teaching me along with my two aunts a new song or just practice an old song.  Grandpa came from a musical family.  His mother played the piano, his one brother played the Dobro guitar.  When grandpa died in 1975 it left a vacuum in the music.

Now Granny, that’s what we called her never worked out of the house.  She raised seven children.  She always had canned fruit for the winter time, she sewed, knitted, crocheted, and was a terrific baker.  She welcomed everybody and always offered them a coffee, and if there was some baking that too.  I always knew and felt safe bringing my friends over to her place.

When I moved west I tried to call her often sometimes once a week.  If I needed to know how to do something, like baking, I could ask her for the instructions.  She taught me how to bake pies, apple pies basically.  It was that skill that I won first prize at the Hometown Fair here in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Forward to 2004, the grandmother I loved passed away.  I was not able to go home for her home going.  I remember standing in front of my kitchen sink sobbing uncontrollably.

That started to take the will to live right out of me.  I barely ate anything, lost lots of weight.  I started on a downward spiral.

Some days I was awake with little to no sleep, other times I spent almost days on end barely getting out of bed.

I sank far down into the dark abyss, started thinking about suicide to the point I asked my best friend to take all the food from my freezer.  It took him a bit of time before he realized what was happening with me.  I just didn’t want to live in a world without my mother, and now my grandmother.

I cannot tell you how I ended up in the emergency ward facing an intake worker from the Mental Health Department.

I found myself in strange surroundings, around a different group of people, no idea what was going on, not knowing what was expected of me.  Not sure for how long I stayed to myself sitting in a corner of the common room.

Now here I was a nurse handing me medications, didn’t know what they were, didn’t know what they did.

I was asked one day to meet my Psychiatrist.  Cannot recall what we talked about, how long we talked.  I do remember after that being given a bunch of cognitive tests.

I had reached the total end of my despair.  Now it would mark the beginning of my long tedious road out of the rabbit hole I was in!

The Next Big Wound

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If your body is damaged, wounded, it can be fixed, but if inside, mentally, you are wounded you cannot fix it, it’s hard. Haile Gebrselassie
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/search_results?q=mental+wounds

As a child I climbed a tree, one that I was told not to climb, along with my sister.  I was on a branch and said to my sister not to step on it with me.  Well she did not listen, the branch broke and down we went.  She walked away with just some scrapes, I broke my arm in three places, it hung in an almost perfect circle.  It healed rather slowly, but, it did heal.

Now when it comes to our mental wounds the initial sting of the wound fades over time and it’s place is a scar that we carry with us all of our lives.

So it is with me.  Scars of being told I would never be anything, I would always be poor, and the list goes on.

1999 was nearing the end and I had planned to sit up and watch the New Year ring in. I wanted to see if the Y2K threat would materialize, which it did not.  Just before December 31st I received a phone call from Ontario.  It was about my mother who became ill on Christmas day and now being rushed by ambulance to London, Ontario.  I was told to come home because this was rather serious.

I made a series of phone calls trying to arrange some funds to travel to Ontario.  I did receive the funds and found the next Grey Hound bus, the ride would be about seventy-two hours.  I remember half way through the trip I thought to myself well mom has gone.

In Toronto I decided I needed some sleep, I called my family and told them I was spending the night in the city and would catch the bus out in the morning.  I arrived at my grandmothers place and was filled in with all the details.

My uncle said he would take me but I would have to drive.  We arrived in London at St. Joseph’s Hospital.  We found my mother’s room.  I walked in and I did not recognize her, she had swelled up to three times her size.  She was in an induced coma and one of those thin silver blankets covered her.  It shocked my system seeing her that way. I stepped out of the room to get some air. As I was walking I felt someone pushing something against the back of my knees.  It was a nurse who recognized that I was about to faint. The nurse made me sit down.

That was January which rolled into February. One afternoon as I was approaching my mother’s hospital room a doctor approached me.  He told me to contact the family, if they wanted to see my mother once more.  Only my brother and one uncle showed up.  They arrived later that day. 

We were asked to step into a conference like room where doctors explained my mother’s condition, that she would not recover.  They asked for our permission to withdraw life support.  The next morning they did, within minutes she passed.  That was February 11, 2000.

In fours year after her death I hit rock bottom mentally.

So, I urge those whose has a mother still living, love her dearly, give her her roses now, not when she is dead.  You only have one Mother.

(continued…)

A Re blog- Winter Blues: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and OCD — Overcoming OCD- Mark Wester

I can not wait for winter to end. Do not get me wrong: I love mulled wine, snow, Christmas and New Year’s Eve is always very fun, however, I’ve been suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (or more commonly known as the “winter blues“) since my teenage years. What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD?) It is […]

via Winter Blues: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and OCD — Overcoming OCD

Letter To Self – Guest: Vee from millenniallifecrisis.org

It is my great pleasure to welcome back Vee. If you have never visited her blog you have been missing some great writing.  Her writing is various across from many issues.  She writes from the depth of her being.  You can find her blog at:  millenniallifecrisis



Dear Self,

It won’t be like this forever. I promise you that. It can’t be like this forever, I know that for a fact. Believe me self, I wouldn’t lie to you.

The sleepless nights, the endless fears, the feelings of not being good enough, smart enough or worthy will fade away with time and you will look back on this stage of life and the shell of a person you used to be, barely recognizing the person you were.

I promise you things will get better.

One day you will wake up worry free. One day you will know that you’re in the right place, it’s the right time and the here and now is what you are meant for. One day things will fall into place. One day, I say… one day.

Each time your heart breaks and your soul aches for something you don’t have, didn’t get or weren’t supposed to ever do… each time that you’re missing someone and there’s nothing that can change that… you’re getting stronger. It might not feel good in the moment, but it’s strengthening you. It’s growing you.It’s making you better. 

Use that growth, use that strength, use that determination that was the reason you never gave up and turn it into power. Your power. Limitless power that will give you everything you’ve ever wanted in life. Power that won’t take no shit. Power that will ultimately allow you to believe your worth to this world is determined by who you are, not what you are.

One day will be your day. One day, I say… one day.

When you reach that day, you’ll know it. And when you reach that day you’ll have so much more appreciation for what you’ve achieved because of what you’ve been through.

Keep going, self. Trust me, please, and just keep going.

Sincerely, Me



Thank you Vee for writing such a great post!

Cast Away

Strong

Not sure how it happened, suddenly there I was in the hospital, what’s more the mental health ward.  I don’t remember being admitted, for that matter do not remember much about arriving at the hospital.  My last memory was me running into my bathroom and downing a bottle of sleeping pills.

Before all of that. Let me back up I knew something was happening, sliding into the abyss.  Here I was in Toronto living in a rooming house because my second marriage had just ended.  Trying to keep things together at my job, manager of the breakfast shift at a fast food franchise.  That didn’t last either, I handed in the keys, outfit and waved goodbye. 

Around the corner was a walk in clinic which I had used before.  There I was telling a doctor how I was feeling, the feeling like I was on an island and the water was rising all around me.  Ten minutes later prescription of Prozac in my hand.

I can imagine this is not strange for some who read this, but, to me it was defeating.  My head felt like it was twice it’s weight.  My arms and legs heavy like iron, I was moving but not connected to reality.

Finally I moved out of Toronto away from the rat race. I moved back to the area near where I use to live.  A bachelor apartment on the main level of a converted house.  Down the street a new grocery store had just opened twenty – four seven.  My friend went with me to buy some groceries.  I thought I was safe going at midnight avoiding a lot of people. I was wrong, a cart full of groceries and then a severe panic attack. I left the cart and bolted for home.

So, that was the slow spiraling trip as a cast away!

(the story continues)

 

 

Finding The Silver In The Attic of My Mind

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It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

Mahatma Gandhi

Some of my favorite show to watch are: Antiques Road Show, Canadian Pickers, American Pickers.  It fascinates me the items found are valuable, to look at them most would say they are junk. 

I remember my Grandmother had a collection of old 78 recordings, for the younger crowd they were a record that had just one song on each side, my uncle took that collection over to somewhere in Michigan and turned them into cash.

When I was older I would tag along with my grandmother and other relatives to auctions in nearby communities.  It was great entertainment to watch an auctioneer work with the crowd as items would reach the auction block.  Items would sell, it seemed no matter how trivial the item, there was a buyer for those items.  I wonder how many times at a yard sale were items worth more than a dollar but overlooked because the seller thought it was worthless.

I once heard a psychologist state that we have mere seconds to accept or reject things that we hear of see.  If we don’t reject them within that time period they become part of our memories taking up room in our mind.

The idiom “every cloud has a silver lining”  somehow is hard to accept when going through rough times.  I admit that I have a hard time dealing with that saying.

To be honest I cannot see how some major hurts have a silver lining for me.  Even as a former clergy and as a Christian, I balk at that.  The two things do not mesh for me.  Try as I might I do not see much of anything silver within all of those hurts, disappointments.

So, I have much work to do within my journey of introspection.  Maybe, if I work even harder that I may find some silver to polish!

Pessimist/Optimist?

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There are lots of things, including changing the kind of inner dialog, that can mitigate anxiety. And yes, there are people who have the glass half full and glass half empty, and I’m afraid the glass is going to break and I’ll cut myself on the shards. Scott Stossel
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/half-full-quotes

Just imagine a young man who thought he had the tiger by the tail, that the world was his’ oyster.  A world where there was a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.  That young man use to be me.

I am not quite sure where that young man went, it seems he gradually just faded away.  In his place was a man that felt like the whole world had went black.  Each hurt, disappointment, promises not kept, each one caused that young man to wither little by little.

It wasn’t noticeable, the change was undetectable.  Yes, I had very good days that morphed into just good days, then not so good, until it was a struggle to get up and look at the sunshine.

Eventually a total collapse, the will to fight had vanished.  There didn’t seem to be an answer, tired of just breathing, fed up with trying to put a smile on my face.  Every joint, fiber, my total being  feeling like total defeat.  Then the frustration led me to the overdose with sleeping pills.  That was early nineties, it seems like a century ago.

Life seemed to deal blow after blow, this young man found himself being admitted to the Mental Health Ward not once but several times.

Now, today’s older man is stable, and I must admit I still have some black days.  Fighting extreme pain day after day wears on me.  I am thankful for the support I know is there if I really need it.  Thankful for the medications I take that brings me balance in my mind.

So, onward I trudge forward for I do not want to go backwards!