About fourteen years ago I was a total wreck, suffering with extreme back pain. It controlled everything I did. My doctor at that time had me on Oxycontin it’s strongest dose allowed/recommended. That turned into a nightmare for me and my best friend. As I have written before he would come over to check on me and find me in the strangest places. I woke up each morning looking in the kitchen sink trying to determine what I had eaten the day before.
I finally reached a point where I voiced to my doctor and psychiatrist that I wanted to be weaned off of all my pain medications. During this time I had also used Fentanyl. Well I had a choice stay at home or voluntarily admit myself during this process.
It was nearing the time of me being discharged. My psychiatrist wanted an apointment with my best friend and me to have a plan in place once I left the mental health ward. The plan was I would no longer control my meds, instead my best friend would manage all of them. That is still in place even now in 2019.
Several years later I was having difficulties with mobility. Several times falling in my home and having to crawl to the phone to call my best friend. There were also times I needed help just getting out of bed. I have always had a phone by my bed, at the time I could not see the dial pad in the dark. To remedy this I went shopping – I wanted a phone that lit up in the dark, large buttons, and one with a button that I could push that would dial my best friend. I found one, bought it, and have it by my bed.
Those two plans were part of “in case of emergency” times.
I encourage you the reader if you do not have a “in case of emergency” plan to put one in place.
Mar 12:29-31 MSG 29 Jesus said, “The first in importance is, ‘Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; 30 so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ 31 And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.”
I have always known that the Gospel has to be practical. People on the whole need help in all manner of things on what to do where the rubber meets the road.
These past several days have confirmed to me that people want preachers, pastors, teachers are like them. No, they want to believe those leaders are not mired in the same sins as those who are listening.
When I was in the ministry I was never open about what was happening in my personal life. I kept it shielded, compartmentalized, only let it out when I was by myself or with a close confidant. I found that many Pastors are in the same boat. They feel constrained, the burden of ministry weighs on them 24/7. Some don’t even confide to their wives which starts to cause major problems within the marriage. Pastors and those involved in the ministry are some of the lonliest people in the world.
Since I have started writing about my problems with depression, bi-polar, etc., the readers have shown me that I made the right step. It has opened a whole new world to me causing some of my lonliness to disappear.
It now it is my fervent prayer that I can share more of my battles in life, yet at the same time share the Gospel of the Cross to the readers of my blog.
My day begins taking pills. Warfarin to keep from developing blood clots. Been hospitalized twice with blood clots in my legs. Then a myriad of more pills including Naproxen. Most of my medications handled by my best friend. That started when I was double dosing of Oxycontin.
One time I had asked my doctor if there were some that could be eliminated, the response was no. So, I guess I am on medications for the rest of my life. Take some only after eating. Others are once a week one half hour before drink or food. Pills command my daily schedule, feeling like I am on a hamster wheel.
I have lost track of which pills I take. Some in the morning, afternoon, and then evening. All are prepared for me accordingly.
It now is twenty plus years since my journey began. Attempted suicide using the sleeping medication, “amitriptyline”. Extreme mood swings and a feeling like I was alone, that no one understood what I was going through.
2004 my depression mixed with the grief of my grandmother broke my spirit completely landing in the mental health ward of the local hospital.
For the longest period I was constantly asking the question in my mind, ‘why me’? I was raised to believe that God worked miracles. I still believe it but I had to go back and study the Scripture again. I finally reconciled that God sometimes let us go through trials. I no longer asked the question of why me. God sent help my way in the form of my psychiatrist.
Now I am on the road to recovery accepting the fact that it may take many years. It took over thirty years for things to go off track. I have reached the place I call acceptance. The anger I experienced left when I did accept with what I was going through.
So, I will keep on this road, staying the course determined that I do not want to fall back into the abyss of depression.
If you are like me just keep going on your road to recovery and you will be totally fine.
It use to be before medications I never knew who I was going to be when I woke up in the morning. If I felt great I would get out of bed, if not turn over and go back to sleep. Medications changed all that.
Now mix depression with pain killers if I wasn’t down then I was too buzzed on Oxycondin. My best friend would tell me something in the morning that we discussed the night before I had no recollection of the conversation. He use to come in to check on me and find me sleeping in the craziest places. Once under my cabinet sewing machine. When I would wake up in the morning I would have to look in my sink to find a clue what I had to eat the day before. That was my worst face of depression, just dull all feelings alone with the pain. The pain was caused by back injuries years ago after a motorbike accident.
Another face of my depression was I would call home to my mother. I would gather enough of my senses to have a conversation that sounded have decent so that she wouldn’t be worrying about me.
Then there is a face of depression that still bothers me today, my mind is always racing. For me to sleep at night I start my bedtime routine hours before I decide to close my eyes. There have been times my mind would be racing causing insomnia. There is just any medication that can help, unless I want to feel like a walking zombie.
Anger is also a face of my depression before medication and counselling. It would go off at the least little thing. Then five minutes later I would be on even keel. I wasn’t violent but it did cause me alot of headaches. When out in public around others I fought to sound like a reasonable person. Keeping my thoughts coherrent instead of being dis-jointed was a battle in and of it’s own. Anger is no longer a menace in my life and for that I am thankful.
I have been quite stable for over fifteen years now. Seeing my pysch doctor is not a must, but I can always approach if needs be. Opioids were ancient history since about 2005, the strongest pain killer I take now is Tylenol 3.
Well, those are the many faces of my depression through my journey to have stable mental health. It has been rough, but, I feel great now!