man wearing green printed crew neck shirt while sleeping
Photo by John-Mark Smith on

Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.

Ellen DeGeneres
When I entered high school I was a fish out of water.  I stood 6’1″ and weighed only ninety-nine pounds.  I was teased endlessly for being so skinny.  I felt initimidated by other guys my own age.  They were bigger, weighed much more, and some had full beards.  During gymn class I just wanted to climb into a locker and hide.  I just wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.
This feeling followed me for most of my life.  I did not follow in my father’s foot steps and he liked to make me feel small for it.  I chose to go to a high school that was pure academic, no trade classes.  I also worked on my piano skills so that I could follow a calling of singing and playing Gospel music.
Finally, after going through stays in the mental health ward I began to see myself differently.  My body had not changed much, I was still tall and skinny but I began to shed the taunts and teasing about my body.  I was learning to be comfortable in my own skin causing me to feel more relaxed around others.  I was no longer trying to gain acceptance by my peers.
It is amazing how my brain began to change of how I looked when I saw my reflection in a mirror.  My outlook took a dramatic turn.  I am no longer tall and skinny, but I have lost some height, just part of aging, and also have gain much weight due to a year of inmobility.
My acceptance of being bi-polar has also helped my comfortability of myself.
I am now comfortable in my own skin!

Old Habits


Have you ever had a pair of jeans that you just hate to put in the trash bin.  I mean you have them broke in, comfortable, soft, and yes, almost down to nothing but white thread.  Holes in the knees and other places that your mom says is disgraceful.  Habits are like those pair of jeans.

I remember hearing someone talk about you can tell how an adult was raised by watching what they do after a meal.  If they are full of energy, it probably means after a meal their mother more than likely sent them outside to play.  The other scenario is after a meal the adult wants to lay down and take a nap.  It goes without saying that their mother probably had them take a nap after their meal.

With my dealing of being bi-polar I have had to deal with some of my old habits.  Negative thinking, procrastination, thinking about what it is like to be dead, all those and a multitude of more.  I am the first to admit I am a fifty-seven year old man who is set in his ways and I do not like change.

To deal with those old nasty, musty smelling habits you must commit yourself to change.  Change should mean progression, new attitude and outlook on life around you.  Not holding onto the pass, but trying to look ahead with the effort of moving forward.

The best place to start with old habits is taking those old pair of jeans and placing them in the trash can!

Broken, But Usable


Today we live in a disposable world.  If something breaks we throw it in the trash, do not repair because buying new is cheaper

With most illnesses we respond with some type of therapy, operation, but, never do we throw them away.  It is my opinion that is not so with those suffering some form of mental illness.  One such mental illness that comes to mind is PTSD.  Many coming back from a tour of duty start to show signs of this within weeks, months.  Getting help seems to come slowly for those needing it.

For me when I first started showing symptons I had to leave the ministry.  At that time I was burned out and also to get away from some who tried to pin me down.  I started to feel useless, functioning in routine but felt like I was unattached in my mind.

Beginning around 2005 after several times in treatment I started my to-do list. Here is some of the things included.

  • Prioritize my goals, those that were basically pipe dreams to ones that were attainable.
  • Weed out relationships that were broken. Those were the ones that I always felt worse after being around them or talking with them on the phone.
  • Decided that I could not afford the luxury of worrying what people thought of me.

It took awhile before I started to notice a change within myself.  Eventually I found a new stride leaving me with a sense of usefullness. 

I was broken but still useable!

Mole Hills, Mountains


daylight environment forest idyllic

When I was young sometimes we would go crying to our mother and her favorite statement when she believed we were making too much of a situation ‘your making a mountain out of a mole hill”.  Ninety-nine percent of the time she was right.

Sometimes even now I have to be careful not to be doing that exact same thing.  I find myself doing it when I have had tests waiting for the results.  My mind likes to take trips on all sort of outcomes.

Just recently I was scheduled for cortisone shots in my back.  While waiting for that appointment I went through a myriad of situations on whether or not it would be painful. Reality proved different, I barely felt a thing.  So, I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.

As I move forward I am going to try to limit those mountain making in my mind from such small things like mole hills.

Sense Of Purpose

I feel most people would agree that we all need a purpose to be able every morning to get up out of bed and place our feet on the floor every day of our life.

Depression in my situation took away my purpose, I felt so empty.  At one time I started planning a suicide by giving away my groceries to my best friend.  I just did not have a reason to go on any longer.  Once again I find myself back in treatment for my bout of depression.

I have moved past those days finding myself on the road to recovery.  I have a purpose to get out of bed.  That being my daughter and my grandchildren.  I love hearing all about their lives and always wait for news that they are coming for a visit.  The grandchildren are growing into fine young adults.  I enjoy my conversations with them they keep me laughing and feeling young again.

However, I have found a new purpose to put my feet on the floor.  That being writing posts for my blog.  I wrote about a new perception, but this is a new energy that I am experiencing.  Oh, I know that it may be that I am on a manic high, no matter what it is I love how I am feeling.

Maybe, you are one who is looking for a purpose, mine came so unexpectling all from starting to write about my struggles as a man who is bi-polar.  Al I can say to encourage you is this, keep trying to move forward.  You may take two steps forward, one step back but at least you are in motion.

My purpose found new excitement so yours maybe just around the next corner, the next day. Just keep moving!

My Perception

For whatever be the knowledge which we are able to obtain of God, either by perception or reflection, we must of necessity believe that He is by many degrees far better than what we perceive Him to be. Origen
Read more at:

In the past two weeks  I posted more posts than I usually do in a whole year.  One reason being is back pain.  For almost a year I was wearing a back brace and finding no true relief of the agonizing pain.  On May 31 of this year I received cortisone shots in my back.  For the first time that I can recall I woke up the next morning placed my feet on the floor and experienced no pain whatsoever.

It is amazing how something like pain can alter your peception.  Things like stress over finances, a sick child, an elderly parent all can skew one’s perception.  A feeling of being overwhelmed leaves one with little hope of moving forward to see the clouds roll back and the sunshine come through.

It is a great feeling to be able to take a walk with my dog, do my own household chores, all that has lifted my perception.  A heavy weight feels like it has been lifted from my shoulders.

Nothing else has changed around me, but yet, it feels like I am living a brand new life.  The sun feels warmer, the grass greener, and even food tastes a whole lot better.

So, today I am grateful for medical science giving me a new perception on my life.