How I Managed The Pain of Abuse – Continued

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person.”
Louise Hay


What I am about to write, and what you are about to read, may not be your cup of tea. It is not my intention to tell you how to handle the hurts that have happened throughout your life. This old guy recognizes that pain that has been inflicted through the actions of someone else is difficult even on the best of days.

I am writing to share how I arrived where I am today, yes, scarred, bruised, and sometimes dejected. I have found everyone heals differently, also how they approach handling rejection, accusations, and emotional hell.

I am not going to write a sermon, yet, I will say my faith has carried me throughout my roughest times.

There were times growing up that I would cry and ask, “why did I have to be born”, “what did I do wrong”? My self esteem was low and to put it nicely, I had to look up to touch bottom. I am sure that those who shot the arrows didn’t care about the deep pain they inflicted. I have learned that abusers take glee silently and it makes them feel superior over the abused.

There is a story I heard that sort of describes how I have managed the pain of the abuse both physically and emotionally. The farmer had a pig that fell into a deep hole. The hole was too deep for the farmer to rescue the pig. So, the farmer decided he would bury the pig live. He went for a shovel and started to throw dirt down over the pig. Well, the pig shocked the old farmer for what it did. You see, the pig shook off the dirt patted it under his feet. When the farmer saw that he realized how to rescue that pig. He started throwing dirt over the pig. Once again, the pig shook it off and patted it under his feet. It wasn’t very long that the pig had patted enough dirt under him that he was soon out of the pit.

I am not one that carries a grudge, I do not seek revenge, what I do though, I just cut the cord of that person out of my life.

Let me be honest, I do have my moments where I think about having a pity party. What my father did to me was create in me to work to be better than him. To do something with my life. I put blood sweat and tears learning to play that piano. Five years later I was traveling across my home country and America doing what I loved, playing the piano, singing, and then learning a new talent, playing an organ. No one can claim that they did that, nobody but me, I did all that and lifted myself out of a low self-esteem.

So dear reader, all I can say is, that was my road out of the pain. I am still a work in progress, but, I am not the old guy I was even five years ago!

Battered Men and Abused

Trigger Warning: This post contains subjects and issues that may be upsetting to some.

This is another issue that is included in the group “Mental Health”. It has been my feeling that this has been kept in a dark closet. We always hear about the abuse of woman and children, but I thought this needed to be explored.


Help For Men Who Are Being Abused

Help Guide Org., states that men being abused happens more often than you would expect.

They go on to say that domestic abuse may not be physical. It could also be verbal and emotional.

  • Domestic abuse may not be physical
  • Could also be verbally and emotional
  • Partners whether they be heterosexual or same sex, become possessive, act jealous or harass with accusations of being unfaithful
  • Verbal abuse by belittling or humiliate in front of friends, colleagues, family, or on social media
  • Threaten to leave you and prevent you from seeing your kids if you report the abuse.

The Mayo Clinic defines domestic violence against men as such:

“Domestic violence — also known as intimate partner violence — occurs between people who are or have been in a close relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse, stalking and threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.

Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner.”


WebMD reports more than 830,000 men fall victim to domestic violence every year.

Jan Brown the executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for men says,

Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength. It’s about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man.

She also goes on to say in the article, “There are more than 4,000 domestic violence programs in the U.S., but very few actually offer the same services to men as they do women.”

So dear reader, the issue is hard to read, but recognizing abuse happens to both men, women, and the hardest issue, child abuse.

Helplines See Spikes in Calls – Covid-19 Lockdowns

Trigger Warning: This post contains subjects and issues that may be upsetting to some.

Editor Note: I saw a news report some time ago and it has been on my mind. I thought it is an issue that needs to be addressed. This issue falls under Mental Health, which is sometimes shoved to the back burner.


Over the past several weeks I have been hearing that helplines are seeing a spike in calls over abuse.

A former officer once told me that the worse times for calls concerning abuse was during the holidays.

According to a CTV News article “Calls to Canadian domestic violence helplines jump during pandemic”  that certain helplines are seeing a spike in incoming calls.

The executive director of Battered Women’s Support Services based in Vancouver said that “the urgency and severity intensified”.

Relating what the calls are saying is, the situation of being in lockdown has created a pressure cooker environment, one that has no release valve.

The United Nations has said that the abuse that is happening would be considered a shadow pandemic.

One form of abuse is that women who have tested positive with Covid-19 being kicked out.

The calls from women are heart wrenching. Wondering if they go to a shelter will their abuser take them back.

This is a familiar story that I have heard for most of my life. Women are afraid to leave their abusive partner. They have been told they cannot make it on their own.  Others stay in the abusive relationship because of the children. They are afraid to go through the court system fearing that they may lose their children. For any mother those fears are real.

Also, in the CTV News article, they state that in British Columbia at the time of this report, the Battered Women’s Crisis line received more than 1,800 calls. That is double the number from the same month last year.

Women abuse is something that goes on silently. It is due to fear of finances, accommodations, custody of children.

In every city there are halfway homes for battered women. The homes are never listed, they are in neighborhoods with no sign giving away their secret.

Other Reports:

A crisis mental-health hotline has seen an 891% spike in calls in year over year. CNN- Amanda Jackson – April 10, 2020

“Floods of calls and texts to crisis Hotlines reflects Americans’ rising anxiety”NPR – Yuki Noguchi – May 4, 2020

Laura Meyer, director of PRS CrisisLink in Oakton, VA., which also takes calls for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline told the NPR reporter this:

“It’s a difficult decision because we do know that by sending them into an overburdened health care system, they may or may not get the treatment they need.  The resources may or may not be there, and we’re exposing them to the illness”


So dear reader those are some factors in the issue of battered women and the spike in calls to helplines across North America and around most western countries.


If you or someone you know is suffering abuse please seek professional help, call a crisis hotline!


Your Silence Is Too Loud!

It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.
Judith Lewis Herman


Growing up in my generation there was a silent rule about children, they were to be seen not heard.

I am not sure how old I was when I first understood death, but I was probably ten years old. I can recall my grandmother and others talking in hush tones about a great uncle. I heard enough to know that they found him in his garage, doors closed, laying under the exhaust. I learned several years later that it was called suicide.

The very first funeral that I ever attended was that for my maternal grandfather in 1975, I was thirteen. I still can see him laying in the coffin. That image made me to never want to see a funeral ever again with an open casket. Why, because that is the last image that you see is the one that you usually remember.

There were too many things that those adults thought a child shouldn’t hear. Well sometimes I needed to hear your voice. Yes, hear it when I was being beat on by my father. When in 2000 sent a message during my mother’s death that he was going to kill me, I couldn’t hear you then either.

Maybe I would have loved to hear your voice after school that you were proud of me getting good grades, only to be asked “can’t you do better”?

How about someone sitting me down to explain why things were happening in my body, why my voice was changing. You know all those things that a young male should be told going into puberty. Oh I hear, your silence led me to have to learn about all that on the streets. Information eventually to be wrong.

I needed your voice to talk with me before I was going to be married. How about what I should expect on the wedding night. Yes, maybe if you would have spoken up I wouldn’t have been so crazy nervous.

Now, about that young man who is being beat upon by a group of thugs, several people watching, but the voice of the bystanders silent where they should have helped or at least called for help.

So many different times where if you would have broken your silence things would have had a different outcome. The woman who is being abused, the child who is being kicked around, the student in the school yard being bullied. Yes, you could have made a difference, but, you just kept silent.

So dear reader those are times when their silence was too loud!

Silent Screams

***Caution, I may write about some issues that might be a trigger to some.***


“If someone asks you how you are, you are meant to say FINE. You are not meant to say that you cried yourself to sleep last night because you hadn’t spoken to another person for two consecutive days. FINE is what you say.”
― Gail Honeyman, Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine


Where were they when I would wake up from nightmares containing my family in a care crossing a river, terrified I was thinking that my father was going to drive us over the guard rails and into the river. It is funny that I am finally letting this issue out for I have never spoken about it.

Did they know I was lying when they asked me how did I get a bruise on my cheek, fearing if I said something it would cause another session of rage? If they did know why didn’t they speak up, tell the authorities, just why did they hear no evil?

I would go to school in the dark, go home in the dark praying that he was already in bed. I kept this silent because of the fear of confrontation. Fear keeping me from speaking out to someone who would hear some evil, afraid they wouldn’t believe me. I am sure there were some that could sense the air filled with tension, but they acted like they didn’t hear any evil.

I was screaming for help and finding little, everyone turned a deaf hear so that they wouldn’t hear those screams. I have finally left all that behind, I no longer have to scream in silence.

There are so many things that people refuse to hear:

  • The woman who has been raped
  • A battered spouse who thinks she is in a box, she/he is told that they cannot survive on their own.
  • The mother who stays in a abusive marriage because of the children.
  • The young girl who starts bed wetting again because of sexual abuse
  • All those young males who were sexually abused by the very ones who were suppose to protect them from the predators. The hierarchy develops a tin ear refusing to take action with the abusive clergy man.

There are many who like me are screaming for help but nobody wants to hear the screams.

So dear reader if you have someone coming to you screaming about their abuse, mental health issues give them your ears for them to tell their story. Have them sit down, bring them a coffee, tea, water, just listen, make no pre-judgments about their situation.

Mens Mental Health – Myths

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A real man ain’t a coward, he stands by what he says, admits his faults, and corrects his mistakes.    

Kiki Strack

Starting with this post I will be exploring Mens Mental Health from time to time.  For this post I want to take a look at myths about men.

Myths:

  • Big boys don’t cry – I read somewhere that crying is a release of our pent up frustrations. It is a release of all thing toxic.  Maybe if men would allow themselves to cry there wouldn’t be outbursts of rage.
  • Men Don’t Show Emotions – God forbid if a man was to place a hand on the shoulder of someone hurting, or if they were to hug a man who is in need of comforting.  I cannot recall one instance where my father ever showed a compassionate side towards me. Never once spoke the words to me, “I Love you”. I say that every time I talk to my daughter, grandchildren, and other.  The only emotion that they are comfortable showing is anger.
  • Men don’t talk to their sons about sex. Instead they have the attitude of “let them learn it like I did, on the streets.  Could it be that maybe what their sons are learning on the streets is the cause for many of them to become abusive emotionally and physically to women. Men you need to talk openly and honestly about sex, what it is and what it is not. My father never once talked to me concerning puberty, sex, etc.,

There are probably many more myths about what a real man is. But, the myths must be taken down, stripped away, to allow real men to step forward.

So dear reader if you know of a myth about real men please bring it to my attention using the comment section.

Tainted Outlook

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Most people miss the great part mental outlook plays in this game. Billy Martin
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/outlook-quotes

Several years ago there was a country song that said this:

But these rose colored glasses
That I’m looking through
Show only the beauty
‘Cause they hide all the truth

When in depression I have a habit of looking at things through the eyes of depression. Experts call this, “Tunnel Vision”.

I have heard and read that abused become the abuser.  To be totally honest with myself and to you the reader, I was the abused, but I am not the abuser.  My stomach turns over when I hear about a victim of abuse, child or spousal.

I chose the word “tainted” because that is what my vision became when I suffered with a break in my mental health.  It is difficult to see the “trees for the forest”.  My skills in making judgments about issues in our personal life are greatly hindered by our tainted vision .

Even when I am manic I must guard myself against having tainted vision.  I have been known before I was diagnosed to stay awake for more than thirty-six hours.  I would make terrible snap judgment decisions.

Then there is a tainted vision that I deny that anything is wrong, that all is right with the world while suffering silently with pain from my past.

So, as I write this post I write by looking past my tainted vision!