Chaotic!

take care of the head

You may not control all of the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

Maya Angelou

If you listen to any news broadcast you will eventually sense that people’s lives are in chaos.  Others are upset thinking there “freedom rights” are being taken from them.  Protesting about the stay – at – home orders, in some capital cities showing up with firearms.  Everyone feels they have no control in their lives, which at this time, at this place it would sure feel like it.

When I was younger I was a total perfectionist, I wanted everything in order.  I would tell people that “I hate surprises”.  They would happen and I would feel threatened, I would be in a total panic.

Maybe if I would have learned that nothing stays the same, that everything will eventually come around.  It is probably building up in me over many years like a time bomb waiting to explode.  It culminated and time ran out, resulting in an attempted suicide.

I have learned many lessons since then, for example; I am not living to be in a popularity contest.  That was a big weight off my shoulders.  So, as I written before, I have become comfortable in my own skin.

Also, my feeble attempts to think I needed millions in the bank to be happy.  For awhile I did pretty well in my early twenties through to my early thirties.  My problem wasn’t making the money, the problem was I did not know how to handle it properly.  I would spend it as fast as I made it.  I have finally learned how to manage what basic disability income, the result being I don’t jump every time the phone rings thinking it is a bill collector.  Another weight off my shoulder.

Those years to me were so chaotic now that I look back on them.  My life is balanced with the medical help in controlling my bi-polar symptoms.   I now just let life come what may, I can actually go to sleep in a induced calmness, a sleeping pill has that effect.

I do wonder how others are truly coping with all the chaos that seems to be happening at this present moment.  My heart breaks many times when I hear the stories of some from around the world.  Chaos rings out very sharply!

So dear reader, you may not believe this for it may it seem like it will never end, but there will come a brighter morning.  You will come through this and you just might amaze yourself on how well you actually did!

Control?

kopfschmerzen

One of the major sources of stress, anxiety, and unhappiness comes from feeling as if your life is out of control.

— David Cottrell

In an news article found at: 1130 City News wrote about that the Canadian Mental Health Association is telling the feds that there could be an “echo pandemic” of mental illness.  The article gave a summary about the article, it listed three things.

SUMMARY:
  1. The CMHA is calling on the federal government for more funding to help people struggling with mental health issues
  2.  Association says feds need to help Canadians struggling now, before problem gets worse after COVID-19
  3.  If funding doesn’t come through, CMHA fears an ‘echo pandemic’ of mental health after the health crisis ends

I have paid attention to some interviews that the news has picked up from people who are keeping video diaries during this shutdown.  They all spoke about the anxiety they are feeling.

Some are expressing how they feel helpless because they cannot be with a family member or a friend during their dying hours.

It is a frightening thing to have feelings of not being in control.  Nerves become frayed, tempers flare, depression sets in, all manner of anxieties enters your life.  Physical and emotional abuse ticks up in calls to authorities.

Of what I understand here in Canada the government has already planned for four months of restrictions in place.  In America people are protesting the stay-at-home orders.

When I was living in Toronto that’s when things went spiraling out of control.  My doctor prescribed Prozac, which left me feeling numb.  I was a mess, living but not feeling.

When I first started having panic attacks I still can remember how I felt like everything was out of control.  This lead to my attempted suicide. 

I have no suggestions on how to handle the feeling of being out of control.  Circumstances widely vary from person to person, house to house.

So, all that I can do is brace for a long ride into fall!

Circumstances Change, Change Circumstances?

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Image by Mary Pahlke from Pixabay

Circumstances do not determine state of being; state of being determines circumstances.     

Darryl Anka

https://www.wiseoldsayings.com/circumstances-quotes/

Before 2004 and my first true in house treatment my life was one big erratic mess.  No control over finances, emotions, relationships.  Always running from circumstance to circumstance.  Circumstances dictated my mood, I was just always swirling in a cloud of crisis’.

My inner being trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, trying to be what I thought was my life’s calling.  Yet, the closer I got to my goal, the farther it seemed to move away.  Inwardly I was having self doubts, I began to place what I thought I believed under a microscope.  I was about to crash and crash largely.

I look back at all of the situations I found myself in and for the life of me I do not know how I survived with anything intact.  

There are times between that first big crash and my next brush with mental health in 2004 that are blank.  Literally, I have no recognition of certain times and places. The one incident that is ingrained in my memory is my first birthday in 2000 after my mother’s death.  I woke up that morning anxiously waiting for the mail to arrive.  Finally it arrived, went to the front door to check the mail box expecting a card from my mother. Of course there wasn’t one, how could there be she is gone.  I sat in my arm chair and cried probably that whole day.

I write these things now for I have seemed to find peace in opening up with these thoughts, these glimpses of life however chaotic it was.

I know now that I can no longer let circumstances change me, I must change circumstances to be able to be free to move forward, to see life in a different light.  Not like a young pup who hasn’t yet figured out that no matter how much he chases that tail he will never catch it.  

So, I will not let circumstances no matter how dire change me, I will set about to change circumstances!

Focus, Focus, Focus

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You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/control-quotes

A Small Personal Note:

I write speaking of myself, my motive being if I am going through it, there are others going or have been through it also.

When I was learning to teach myself the piano there was one key and only one that I needed.  That was the ability to focus!  So, I would sit at my piano sometimes for hour upon hour working on one certain thing until I had it close to perfect.

Lately I having trouble with keeping focus on anything for a length of time.  I find that my mind starts drifting.  Which is the reason for lack of posts here on this blog.

I know that to be successful in anything you have to have a strong ability to focus.  It requires your whole being on your endeavors in life.

In talking to my best friend I finally told him that I was considering see my psychiatrist to see if I can get through this lack of focus.

So, my task at hand is one thing and one thing only, FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS!