Choices, Choices, Choices,…

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart


Since I have been housebound I have had to find ways not to get cabin fever. At times it has been difficult, but I do my best to keep myself moving forward and aware of what is happening in the outside world.

I liked the above quote because it is true for my situation. My life at this moment does not give me many choices, but the ones I do have all are to do with me keeping a stable mental health. It would be easy to allow myself to slip into despair, but that is a choice I choose not to make. There are days where the thought about just staying in bed and pulling the covers up over my head, but again that is a choice that I will not make.

I could be like an old country and western song said, ‘Everybody going out and having, I’m just a fool for staying home and having none…oh lonesome me”!

My concentration is poor for being distracted by the pain around my upper leg and hip. So, writing also has been suffering. There are times I think I have something to write about, only to find I have already written it. I wonder how many times or ways there are to discuss being bi-polar and suffer from depression.

I am now again taking forms of opioids to manage the pain and a sleeping pill so that I can have a decent night’s rest. My doctor is only allowing me to have just seven days at a time, which means I have a phone consultation with him. I am happy that I have that choice. There is no way that I could get to his office because getting into a car would be impossible.

Over the next several days I am going to look for some books to read. I will have to order them online, going to the library is not an option.

So dear reader, I wrote all this to give you a head’s up. No matter how much you may be going through most have choices. If you have choices the option is there to make changes.

The Wall Won’t Move, but, I Understand


“If you are self-aware of what you are going through, you would be in a better position to understand others, and affect people around you.” ― Oscar Auliq-Ice


Yesterday I learned about a young man, who lives two rows over from me, had to have surgery on his hands. He was being treated for “boxer’s hands”. I knew him as a young pre-teen and he had a terrible temper. When asked about his hands it came to the light that he in a fit of anger punched the wall. In doing so he hit a wall stud. Apparently this was not the first time. Now he has his hands in bandages from surgery and cannot work.

I grew up around that type of anger, anger in which you never knew what would ignite it. Being around those with that type of anger you would walk gingerly and would filter your words carefully. I learned which words could cause a volcano of anger. Politics, racial discussions, and yes, sometimes religion. To this very day I begin to shake and tremble when I see someone’s anger level rising.


Now, onto what I was thinking when I saw the quote I inserted at the top of this post.

If someone mentions the word “migraine” they would recognize it as some type of headache. My thought is this, would they identify with the pain and discomfort a migraine can cause to a person. For myself I have to lay down in a dark room and try to fall asleep. There are times that Gravol is necessary for an upset stomach. So, when I hear someone talk about a migraine I can have empathy for them and what they are going through.

I have had a bad back for as long as I can remember. Being sent flying through the air, while being a passenger on a motorcycle, I landed butt first and totally damaged the back. Last year I found some relief with cortisone shots. I received two treatments in my back and for the time being my back has not been in severe pain. If you have a bad back and suffer with pain, I understand how it limits your range of motion.

A doctor could put up a power point presentation about nerve endings that run through your spinal cord. He probably would be speaking to a medical versed audience. For everyone else his words would go straight over our heads.

When it comes to depression the subject is very broad and very deep. One thousand people could be asked about their depression and for the greater percentage everyone would have a different experience. Yes, there may be parts of their journey I could understand, but, there would also be parts that I would have no knowledge or understanding about it.

So dear reader, I use my own experiences as a launching board for most of my posts. Sometimes, it may seem like I am repeating myself, it is probably true. When I write I do it with understanding that maybe those who are reading will also be able to relate to my experiences.

Lessons Learned While Blogging

“Create. Not for the money. Not for the fame. Not for the recognition. But for the pure joy of creating something and sharing it.”
― Ernest Barbaric


I have written about why I started blogging, group session gave us different ways to handle depression.

What I haven’t written about are some of the lessons that blogging has taught me along this journey.

I have always loved to read, blogging however has instilled in me the joy of writing. Now I am no Hemingway, but, I look back over the years I see quite a difference in the way, the style of my writing.

Here are some other lessons I have been taught since blogging:

  • It has given me purpose. Purpose that I felt I had lost when I stepped down from active ministry.
  • It has opened up so many doors. The people I have had the pleasure of getting to know them through their own blogs. Also when they interact with myself.
  • That we have more in common than that which we are different.
  • I now know I am not the only one with some of the struggles I face from day to day.
  • I have been reminded that on the whole people really are warm and caring.

There are probably many more lessons since I started this journey. All in all though I can honestly proclaim, “I have no regrets”.

So dear reader I would encourage you to do a deep dive within yourself to find some lessons you have learned since you started blogging.

How Is Your Emotional Well-Being?

“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.”
― Jess C. Scott, Clear: A Guide to Treating Acne Naturally


I probably could guess and be correct, most people who are bi-polar knows about the extreme mania to the deep depression. I understand that in woman going through menopause that they have a more acute situation.

When I stop to think about how messed up I was before being treated for bi-polar. With the extreme mania it wasn’t out of the question that I would stay awake for more than twenty-four hours.

Then when I hit bottom I truly would fall apart. Arguing with my best friend, wouldn’t answer my phone, had no appetite for eating, just sit and drink coffee with a cigarette.(I no longer smoke, going on six years since I have quit) Coffee I still drink it!(probably more than I should…lol)


Emotional well-being

Emotional well-being refers to the emotional quality an individual experiences. Emotional well-being is influenced by a variety of demographic, economic, and situational factors. For example, the onset of the COVID-19 outbreak, lowered emotional well-being by 74%. Wikipedia


During these stressful times I sometimes wish that things would return to a somewhat normal. I do not go out much, when I do it is for a doctor’s appointment. I find myself getting frustrated with the mask, it fogs up my glasses. Would love to hear how to stop that.

If that definition holds true I must have a terrible state of emotional well-being. I can answer in the negative on two of the three factors stated.

So dear reader I take extra steps during the day. Turn off the news, listen to some music on iTunes, read a book. Anything to keep my emotional well-being healthy!

Never Borrow From Tomorrow

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Image by Mary Pahlke from Pixabay

“I’ll Gladly Pay You Tuesday for a Hamburger Today”

Favorite Saying of Wimpy from Popeye the Sailor Man

I haven’t inherited the earth from my parents, I am borrowing it from my children. Mark Udall.  Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/borrowing-quotes

In some things I am slow to the start, eventually however I do get started.  A preacher friend of mine told me once, “never loan what you cannot afford to lose; if you loan consider it gone”.

Up until about 2004 I was in the habit of borrowing until the next pay period.  There is a perpetual problem with that, you then are short for that pay period.  Once again without fail I would borrow until the next pay period.  See how this is a never-ending cycle.

In 2004 when my grandmother passed away she left me some inheritance, I took that and brought all my bills up to date. 

It was about the time when online banking was coming into full swing.  I went to my bank and had some accounts added so I could pay them directly online, leaving me to be able to see my bank balance.  Ever since then I have not allowed myself to leave bills unpaid.

The same can be said about our mental health.  My mother was one who would get upset over something and she would brood for awhile.  If left alone for awhile eventually it would pass, she the would carry on with things.  However, if someone kept asking her what’s wrong, it would only make matters worse.

Grudges most likely cause us to borrow from tomorrow.  The longer you hold unto them they more they steal from you each day.  Your happiness seems to dwindle, a depression starts to settle in.  It is not long before we begin to hate and then plan some type of revenge.  It is not worth the time of day to hold to them.  Letting go of grudges does not mean forgiveness, it just means you are not borrowing from tomorrow.

So, I have learned that to get the most out of tomorrow I must not borrow from it!

Logic: Before Depression

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No, no, you’re not thinking; you’re just being logical. Niels Boh
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/logical-quotes

For several days now I have been trying to bring forward moments pre-depression/bi-polar that were truly organic happiness.  I cannot seem to recall many of those type of moments during my childhood.  Maybe, it is just because negativity has crowded them out, or maybe logic would conclude, there just were not any moments.

Logic would at least think “holidays” were moments of joy, I cannot recall any “holiday” that stands out in my memory has being the epitome of happiness.

Logic at this moment, at the moment I am writing this post, that it is the medication suppressing the times of gleefulness before this thing called depression showed up on the doorsteps of my mind.

The irrational thought tells me that I am making it bigger than it really is, that no one else has these feelings.

So, there must have been a time before depression that I was happy, that is the logical way to think!