The Hauntings of My Mind

“What is the present if not the graveyard of the past where, for each of our deeds we dig a grave. Everything we do today will be buried there. The good deeds rest in peace, while the bad ones rise from the graves to haunt us.”
― Mladen Đorđević, Svetioničar – Pomračenje


During an extended stay in the hospital years ago from having pneumonia I developed pressure sores. After arriving home I had home care workers come in to care for the bed sores. It was a long time before they were able to say that I was well enough not to need any more care. I still have scars where those sores were. Every time I see them I am reminded of that time of illness.

So it is with my memories in my mind, they are they ever ready to roar to life haunting me.

The Queensland Brain Institute says this about how memories are formed:

Memories occur when specific groups of neurons are reactivated. In the brain, any stimulus results in a particular pattern of neuronal activity—certain neurons become active in more or less a particular sequence. … Memories are stored by changing the connections between neurons.Jul 23, 2018


The good memories are the ones that holds back the ones that howl, moan, and haunt my mind. It’s those latter ones that I keep looking for a way to short circuit them, to cleanse them from my head, but, try as I might they are there. There when I sleep, constantly there during my wakening hours.

vintage-1418613_1280

I remember a song in a stage play South Pacific, a musical. There are these women who start singing, I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair”. So it is with these crazy thoughts of mine, I wanna wash them outa my head.

I am not a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, and definitely have no clue what Sigmund Freud would say about them. I am sure I probably could go for therapy all of the remaining days of my life.

The hauntings of ‘could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” are there to remind me of my shortcomings. Those times where my words could have been chosen better so that wouldn’t have caused someone to be hurt. The times when I didn’t do that thing which I knew was the correct thing to do, I chose to do nothing, the complete opposite.

Here is what I have learned, that I know. These are just that, memories, they really have no power of their own. The only way they can negatively affect me is if I give them the power to do so. I now consider them like a bad digital picture, if they are a bad one I have the power to right click on them and hit the delete button. I also can, and have learned when they come around ignore them, replace them with a positive memory or thought.

So dear reader I have learned to be my own ghost buster of the hauntings in my mind!

Treasure Hunt?

antique-map-1554859222EeM

All emotions, even those that are suppressed and unexpressed, have physical effects. Unexpressed emotions tend to stay in the body like small ticking time bombs—they are illnesses in incubation.”
― Marilyn Van M. Derbur, Miss America by Day

The brain is an amazing organ, it controls the rest of the body.  Communicates with the nervous system, the five senses, etc.,

The thing I find most fantastic is how certain scents, music, words, can trigger my memory, even some that I have not thought about in years.  Some of those thoughts I have pushed to the back of my brain because I just didn’t want to deal with them.

My memory sometimes works overboard, I can remember things that even the ones that were also there cannot recall that incident.

Pent up emotions like anger, resentment can mess with our digestive system. Other emotions like regret can keep me in a state of fixation, can’t move forward, too easy to move backwards.  So, just stuck in one place!

There are times when I question certain memories whether they are real or just something I have dreamed, a creation of my imagination.

I find myself drifting between the now and the memories that seem to rise to the top.  With some they bring back times when I was happy, the days of singing with my grandfather, the days of singing with my sister as I played the piano.  The other memories I would love to find a way to eradicate them totally.

So, unlike Rand Travis “Digging Up Bones” song, I keep digging through my memories like someone on a treasure hunt.

Just Live!

black-and-white-music-headphones-life-3104

“To create more positive results in your life, replace ‘if only’ with ‘next time’.”– Unknown – From: https://www.keepinspiring.me/quotes-about-change-in-life/

It seems like yesterday, the day my daughter was born. I was sitting in the waiting area watching t.v.  My mom and her boyfriend decided they were going have some breakfast.  It was a Sunday morning, around 7:05 a.m. a nurse brought a little baby girl out so that I could hold her.  They didn’t clean her up yet, but that didn’t bother me, my whole world at that moment was revolving around this tiny little human.  That tiny little girl has just turn thirty-five years old.

There is something that I use to tell young people, I guess I still would, “before you settle down and start a family do yourself a favor, take some time and see your country.  I was fortunate for I was seeing my country playing the piano or organ, better yet I was being paid.  Those are memories I hold close to me, they are what comforts me when I get the itch to move.

Now I am experiencing a new part of my life, life as a father, and a grateful grandfather.  The youngest turns eight in February.  When they come to visit it gives me a rush of adrenaline.

All through those years I struggled within me, highs and lows, not understanding what was ailing my mind.  It wasn’t until around 2004 I had the answer, I was bi-polar.  With the help of my psychiatrist I was put on a regiment of medications, medications that keep me balance. 

If while you are young and able to go, go see the country, experience other cultures, their food, their music, taste, feel, hear, and listen.  So, when the family comes along you will have some memories that no one, anything can rob you of them.

So, take a deep breath, and just put your foot one in front of the other. Go and just live life to the fullest! You won’t regret it!

Christmas Past

christmas-scrabbles-bokeh-photography-728458

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things give off the greatest glow of happiness. –  Bob Hope

From: http://www.cherishyourday.com/ChristmasQuotes.html

I have been reminiscing about Christmas while growing up.  We lived in and around Windsor, Ontario where we very seldom saw snow on Christmas Day.  The first time we experienced a true white Christmas was when we moved to London, Ontario in the early seventies.

I have been digging down into the chest of those memories, some are very cherished, some will just stay at the bottom that chest.

Christmas morning always found myself and siblings excited to see all the presents under the tree.  There was one rule, we don’t touch them until my parents were out of bed.  I am not sure who had the more fun, us unwrapping the gifts, or the parents watching us letting out thrills of joy over our gifts.

Then we all would pack into the car to either go to my maternal grandmother for dinner, or just go visit the paternal grandparent.  Those visits also created some fond memories.

Now I live over a couple of thousand miles from that area, but, the memories are there at any time I wish to look in that chest of memories.

It is now me who is the father, the grandfather who is helping to create memories for those grand kids of mine.  There is no unwrapping of gifts Christmas morning.  Christmas Eve day is when they will visit, I will give my grandchildren the gifts I have for them.

Christmas Day will be quiet, sharing a meal together with my best friend.  Make some phone calls to my daughter and grandchildren to see how their Christmas morning went.

So, it’s those Christmas memories that I hold onto, memories that make me feel like I am back home with my late mother, grandmother.  It is those memories that I wrap myself in when I feel blue.

Aching Memories

black-and-white-child-children-1596882

“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don’t believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it’s good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.”
― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

Memories, good, the bad, and the ugly.  Some you want to keep forever for they remind of a time gone past that was warm, comforting, and full of love.

Then there are those memories you wish there was a way to erase, no totally delete them from the cobwebs in your mind.  These are times that I would never want to experience again, or anyone for that matter to experience.  I will call them my aching memories.

It is when I am depressed that these memories seem to float to the top of my thoughts.  I try as I might, but, just cannot stop them from haunting me.  I wake up with them, they are there when I have too much free time, and are there when I close my eyes at night.

Oh, there is medications that can suppress them for a period of time, but are there when the medication wanes.

So, all I have left is too try to raise those good memories and hope they give relief to my “aching memories”.