I Can See Light at The End of The Tunnel

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. DESMOND TUTU

Tomorrow I head out to the hospital for everything of pre-op. They will be measuring my hip, taking blood work, chest x-rays, and I will be seeing an internist. I was told it will be about six to seven hours. I am looking forward to this, the beginning of the final last stretch to my hip replacement.

I find I am buoyant about everything leading up to May 3, 2021. I am praying and hoping that there will be no postponements. I am being extra careful and cautious not to cutting myself while shaving, etc., The surgeon will postpone the surgery if there is any cuts or scratches on me. He is picky about infections and to be honest I am thankful that he is that way. I have total confidence with this surgeon. This is not the first time I have been to him for all things orthopedic. I saw him for a fracture in my knee and one in my foot. Yes, he has relayed all the things that can happen. I guess this is necessary, probably it is the hospital’s policy.

I was sent a link to a YouTube video that the hospital produced. It is concerning everything I need to know about the surgery. It ranges from pre-op straight through to post-op and recovery at home. It shows you all the things that you should have in your home. I am fortunate that I have all these things already installed, except for a raised toilet seat.

So dear reader I start counting the steps that will lead me to the exit of this tunnel called “hip replacement”!

p.s. – I thought that this day would never come around!

Trying My Best to Stay Positive

“No matter what you’re going through, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you’ll find the positive side of things.” Demi Lovato


My best friend made a comment to me , “I am amazed at how well you are handling things”, that made me feel good.

I picture my brain as several filing cabinet drawers. Being someone who in high school took mainly business oriented subjects, filing seems natural to me. I organize my files on the computer into large and mini files. Even how I keep important papers, such as Tax Returns, etc., they are arranged in files in a filing cabinet.

I do my utmost best to keep my life in a filing system, that way I can concentrate on the task I am doing at that moment. I wasn’t always this way, I was the world’s best worrier on the planet. There were times that I would be such a scatter brain, always running full tilt trying to get things done. The one thing I could manage was arriving at appointments early, never late.

Maybe there is a name for a person who treats his mind as a filing cabinet, it wouldn’t surprise me…lol. When I am working on writing a post I can tune out the background noise, although I work best in the quiet of the evening. It assures me there will be few interruptions, like the phone.

My situation of my hip I am trying not to constantly dwelling on it. For some strange reason I am not overly concerned about the actual surgery, even though I have never had any surgery in my life. Yes, the pain stops me from doing many things, but lately meds are keeping the pain at a lower level. I get my sleep thanks to a sleeping pill, a pain killer, and two Tylenol 4’s.

Then I like to watch different shows with my best friend. We both like baseball and curling. At the moment he is teaching me about hockey. I don’t understand much about the game, but it is a distraction from everything happening around me.

Of course there is my dog, Natalie, and she can make me laugh with some of her crazy antics. I love it when she hops up onto the couch while I sit at the other end watching tv or reading a book.

So dear reader, do you have ways handling situations of stress, pain, and mental health issues? I would love to hear them!

Opioid Induced Fog

“I used to think a drug addict was someone who lived on the far edges of society. Wild-eyed, shaven-headed and living in a filthy squat.
That was until I became one…”
― Cathryn Kemp, Painkiller Addict: From wreckage to redemption – my true story


Yesterday I started a stronger opioid, I know it is one because of the warning on the pill bottle. I have been very reluctant to taking them, it is only because of the bad experience when I was on them before for severe back pain. While on them I wouldn’t remember things about the past day. My friend would find me asleep in the oddest places.

Doctors are not quick to prescribe them these days. Several years ago there were a few doctors who were called on the rug for their over prescribing them without a physical meeting. My doctor has not rushed to them as a first response to help a person with pain. Over the last year he has tried many options to help me with this pain.

I noticed today that I felt I was in a complete fog, an opioid fog. I was listening to the trial of the former police officer who kept his knee on the neck of George Floyd. It is a strange feeling when you listen to something and five minutes later you do not have a clue what was said.

I have been here before. It was this type of thing that I started having my friend sit in with me on any medical appointments. Many times he would have to explain to me the next day what my doctor had said. Because I recognized this opioid fog today I made sure that my friend knew what was happening. It was so he would be prepared if I started asking about different things.

Opioids do a great job of relieving pain, but their side effects can leave you feeling empty with your thoughts banging in your head from side to side. I will describe it this way, you are there in the moment, but your brain isn’t receiving the data.

There is not an automatic refill on these pain killers. I must talk with the doctor before any refills are considered. He may with caution change the medication from time to time to stop any long term addiction.

So, I am wondering are there readers who have a similar experience. How does your pain killers react with your thought process? What has been the worst side affect that you have had while taking a form of an opioid? I would like to hear your experiences!

Will They Ever Understand?

“I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.” ― Nicole Lyons, Hush


Since Sunday night the world once more has been made to listen about someone wanting to commit suicide. Meghan Markle, most would think that she has it all, everything a princess could want. A great husband, a son, and soon one more will be added to the family. Wrong, totally wrong, we never know what happens in any household after the door is closed. To hear talk that she didn’t feel safe, yes, in her own home, Meghan did not feel safe. How she told Prince Harry that she didn’t want to be alone because she wasn’t sure if she would commit suicide. What a horrible, utterly ugly way that must have felt like. To have everything that most are envy of and not having the strength to continue, not to even trust herself alone.

We have heard this story many times over and still we are coping with understanding it. Or, could it be that they really don’t want to hear it, to come face to face with it, to look at it’s horrendous face. Once more they try to push it behind the tapestry and say they will deal with it privately. How many does it take before they will finally call in the troops? Princess Diana, Prince Harry and others told to hush it up and will we deal with it after the door closes.

I don’t normally listen to those type of interviews, and I didn’t. I caught the clips of it on different news shows. Meghan’s story seemed familiar to me. The feeling of not being safe in your own four walls. Keeping things under the rug because the world doesn’t talk about issues such as, suicide or suicidal thoughts. I remember the hush tones around my grandmother’s house concerning her brother-in-law who they found laying under the exhaust of the car in the garage.

I entered into grade ten and things were unbearable around my home. It became quite contentious between my dad and myself. I found myself going and coming home in the dark. Anything to avoid him, to avoid his temper tantrums similar to that of a three year old who has been told he cannot have any more candy. Years later my mother told me that when he was still living at home he would lose his temper with his own parents. From what I understand it became violent.

My attempted suicide was my alarm bell going off, sounding loudly that I just can’t live anymore. I didn’t know where or who I could talk with. I didn’t want to seek someone out only to be put off, I didn’t want to feel rejected because I knew that pain quite well. To my dad I was never going to be good enough. Actually, he wanted me to work in a factory with a dead end job. Furious because I did not go to a high school that taught the trades. I picked a secondary school that majored in business and such.

According the World Health Organization over 800,000 people die of suicide each year.

Close to 800 000 people die due to suicide every year, which is one person every 40 seconds. Suicide is a global phenomenon and occurs throughout the lifespan. Effective and evidence-based interventions can be implemented at population, sub-population and individual levels to prevent suicide and suicide attempts. There are indications that for each adult who died by suicide there may have been more than 20 others attempting suicide.

Suicide is a global phenomenon; in fact, 79% of suicides occurred in low- and middle-income countries in 2016. Suicide accounted for 1.4% of all deaths worldwide, making it the 18th leading cause of death in 2016.

How many more times will it take for the world to understand that there is a epidemic raging and hollering for someone, somebody to help.

Other celebrities like, Robin Williams, Amy Winehouse, and even a chef who had a show on CNN. Each of them hiding, suffering in silence with their story, their story that goes with them to their graves.

So dear reader, will they ever understand this pain that so many are dealing with. Each one has a story, has a beginning, a failure, and successes. And the final chapter that is written is one of death by suicide.

Suicide Hotline Numbers

Canada Suicide Prevention Service – 833-456-4566

In the United States – National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

A Re-blog:PANIC ATTACK VS ANXIETY ATTACK — Healthstead Global limited

***I found this post and thought it was well done. Visit the blogger and let the blogger know if you like the post.***

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PANIC ATTACK VS ANXIETY ATTACK.There is much more fear behind an anxiety attack on the other hand, panic attacks are unpredictable major stressors. PANIC ATTACK; The symptoms are more intense and can cause a major disruption in your day.They are characterised by the following symptoms.☆ Heart palpitations☆ Excessive sweating☆ Trembling or shaking☆ Sensation of shortness […]

PANIC ATTACK VS ANXIETY ATTACK — Healthstead Global limited

A Re-Blo“The scariest moment is always just before you start.” ~ Stephen King — It’s All in Your Head

So, a friend was talking to me about one of their family members who has been formally diagnosed with bipolar but refuses to get help with it even though they are having trouble functioning in their day-to-day life. When I asked my friend: “What all is family doing for him?” their response was this: “Most […]

“The scariest moment is always just before you start.” ~ Stephen King — It’s All in Your Head

A New Milestone

Today I am happy to say I have reached 500 follows.

I want to say Thank You to everyone of the five hundred one!

These last two years have been a wonderful journey. I have met so many great people, loved all the conversations through these two years.

It is my hope and desire that I will continue to meet more great people in the WordPress Community.

It has been wonderful the encouragement I have received from everyone and for that I am truly grateful!

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

A Slow Decline

I met her shortly after becoming acquainted with my best friend. It was his mother, Lillian. She was a vibrant woman in her eighties who loved doing crossword puzzles, baking, and enjoyed a good laugh.

Every Christmas Eve I would have her and my best friend over for a small meal. I would sit and visit with them. One time my best friend was looking through some pictures of Lillian and myself when he noticed that in every picture his mother had a smile and others you could tell she was laughing.

I am not sure when things really began to change, but, I feel it was when she started losing her sight because of macular degeneration. She no longer could do her crosswords, bake, or even watch her favorite soap opera.

The time soon came that Lillian could no longer live on her own. The family had to place her in a long term care home. She really didn’t like it, of course I feel most don’t, but there were signs that something more was happening in Lilliam. She didn’t have the zip in her talk and she was having trouble recognizing people. I wasn’t long when she did not know her son, but, when I would go to see her, I would say, “hi mum”, she knew who I was.

There were days when after visiting Lillian that my best friend would come over and cry. His mother in her good days would never use expletives, but the Lillian in the care home would curse at the nurses, at her son. One time she bit a nurse who was trying to help her.

Dementia is a mental illness that many have never had to experience with, especially with someone they love. It seems that hollywood has no qualms about making fun of it, there is nothing funny about the disease. It slowly robs a person’s ability to be themselves, in their place it leaves a person hardly recognizable.

So dear reader, I hope that I am alive when they find an answer that can bring about some type of a cure for the mental illness.

I Can Handle This

 “Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” — Joshua J. Marine”


In the late eighties I was a passenger on a motor bike going home from work. It was a bright August day in Ontario, Canada when the driver rear ended the car in front of us. The impact sent me flying causing me to land on my backside. I couldn’t move and I probably would have been hit by the cars passing by on the highway, but an ambulance stopped to help get me to the side of the road. Another one came placed me on a backboard to transport me to the hospital.

After the usual tests, x-rays and such I was admitted and taken to my room. I really do not remember much of the first night, but on the next morning a nurse was coming into the room with a tray of things. I moved to look at her, I shocked her and she dropped the tray. I asked her what was the matter. She said, “Mr. Bourne I just came from report and it says that you would be a quadra paraplegic”. When the physician came by he explained to me about my back, he told me that everything was ripped away from my spine. He also was amazed that I was moving around.

I told that to say this, it is a scary time again around here the positivity rate of Covid-19 is on the rise. Governments are trying to get a grip on things. I haven’t left my house lately not even for a doctor’s appointment.

I been thinking about an upcoming surgery for a hip replacement. At times I get concerned about it, questions coming to mind, like, “will I be able to walk afterwards?”. Things like that, things for the most part will never happen, so really there is no need to fuss about it.

Faced with a myriad of things sometimes it is difficult to find something positive to fixate on. Bad news seems to permeate from all corners of the world, not much good news out there. Oh, yes, sometimes there may be a story of human interest that makes me feel warm inside, but, they are few and far in between.

So dear reader, I remind myself I have been through some very tough times and lived to tell it about it. So, I will once again make it through to the other end of the tunnel.

I leave you with a final thought. Anne Murray sang a song some time back, “A Little Good News Today”. I have included it here. Hope you enjoy it! It is needed at this time!

A Re-Blog: Why Excessive Hand Washing Is Not My Main “OCD Problem” During The Pandemic — Overcoming OCD

What is it like to live with OCD in times of a pandemic? Well, every person has their own answer to this question and I think it is time to share mine. The other day, I was reading through articles about OCD in the age of COVID-19 and one thing I noticed was that the […]

Why Excessive Hand Washing Is Not My Main “OCD Problem” During The Pandemic — Overcoming OCD

A Re-Blog: 2020 World Mental Health Day — Women & Well Being

World Mental Health Day is celebrated every year on October 10th. It was established October 10, 1992 by Richard Hunter. Hunter was the Deputy Secretary General of the World Federation for Mental Health. The top 5 warning signs: Long term sadness or irritability Extreme high and low mood swings Excessive fear, worry or anxiety Social […]

2020 World Mental Health Day — Women & Well Being

The Interview Moderated by Ashley L. Peterson – A Continuation

Once again I would like to say, “Thank You” to Ashley L. Peterson whose blog is Mental Health @ Home.

This is a continuation of the initial interview by Ashley , you can find it here.

As you read you will find I answer questions at great length, I truly did my best to pull back the curtain on my journey to great mental health.

After you have read the interview use the comment section to ask your own question. When I have enough I will gather them together using a post to answer them.


The Interview

Moderator: Ashley L. Peterson


Continuation

What’s the process been like of establishing views that diverged from the religious beliefs you’d been exposed to?

To put it bluntly, it’s been hell. I dropped all my relationships with fellow ministers, stopped contact with fellow musicians. There was a long time to where I wouldn’t even open the Bible.

I have, still do at times, second guess myself.  Then I read some of the comments that people have left lets me know I am basically on the correct direction.

For instance, the gay life style was preached against, it was taught as a no-no. I now view it this way, they are humans, they walk, talk, pee, poop, the same way all of us do. I started re-visiting this attitude about being against them, I started making friends with those in the LGBTQ community. I still have those friends regardless what some people believe about them.

As life has gone on, has your ability to trust others changed?  What prompted that?

In many ways my trust in people has changed. Here is how I view it, People needed to trust me, some who told me about their sexuality, yet they have not come out. I have kept that trust.

Things really did start changing when I began to change. When I started dealing with all the issues that were at the base of my depression. Feelings of inferiority, shame, loneliness, and a chest full of others. After the death of my grandmother I was fortunate to have a Psychiatrist who showed compassion, actually listened, and started me on a regimen of medications.  Now I consider her a friend, she stopped and talked with me when I had a slight scare that sent me to the hospital for four days.

How has your physical health impacted your mental health and vice versa?

My physical health has impacted my mental health severely. I face it every morning, getting out of bed is usually an exercise dealing with pain in my hip.

I have dealt with pain since my teenage years, it grew worse after a motorcycle accident. That messed up my back for life. It has only been better after two periods of have cortisone shots.

There was a time when I was on different pain killers where they became ineffective. I had to change doctors. He looked at my history, he then said we have to change your medications. He explained to me that many pain killers when taken over a long length of time actually work against the body causing pain. I have later read and heard that this is the case. I take for pain at this time Tylenol 4 and a small derivative of morphine. They basically along with a sleeping pill allow me to have a decent night of sleep.

There are days when I think I should start the process of going to an assisted living facility.  Let me explain, I now have to use a cane, or my walker. It has left me so that many things I would normally do for myself I cannot accomplish. Fear grips me every time I need to use the shower, thoughts about falling breaking a hip courses through my mind.

Also, I am truly thankful for my best friend for he is the one who has prepared my meals. I cannot move well enough to manage pots, pans, etc., I also fear I wouldn’t be able to respond if there would be a grease fire.

Some may have noticed that I read and comment on their blog posts sometimes eighteen hours or longer. It is usually because I cannot sit up at great lengths of time. I start my nighttime routine early. Most nights I am asleep before 9 p.m.

So, it is a back and forth with my physical effecting my mental health, mental health effecting my physical being.

Has your time as a preacher shaped the way you tell your own story now?

This is a great question, one I have never thought about. It probably has, and does shape how I tell my story.

There are parts of my story that at this time grapple with because it involves someone who has died, but, has living relatives. I do not want to cause them any embarrassment or pain. I just have not come to an answer about how to tell that. Even without mentioning names it would be obvious to many friends, colleagues, and relatives if they were to come across this blog.

Also, I must consider at this time my own daughter and grandchildren.

[b] I re-read the first answers of the interview where I can see that how I write seems guarded. I guess it has been a learned response from over many years.

How have your hospital stays influenced where you are now in terms of your mental health?

Before my major stay in a mental health ward I was fighting with being bi-polar without any awareness of the fact.

I am thankful for those times in treatment, the group sessions, the one on one with my Psychiatrist for it gave me tools to fight with. The recognition of the highs, lows, and all the rest that comes with being bi-polar. I also know that if needs arise that I have the ability to go back and voluntarily admit myself. There are so many ugly myths about mental health care, some I think come from the days of sanitariums, probably through the eighteenth and nineteenth century.


So dear reader more of a glimpse on what I call “a journey to great mental health”.

If you are facing battles to keep your mental health great, remember, you are not alone!

Find someone to talk to, whether it is a friend, a help line, or your doctor. Do not suffer alone, there is help available for you! I have located a website that you can access for phone numbers of helplines around the world. It is called Check Point

A Re-blog: Suicide Prevention Awareness Month 2020 — My Brain’s Not Broken

*** I have tried several times to write a post about the subject of “suicide” but I deleted them because of the affects it was doing to my mental health. Below is an excellent article, timely, and informative.***


Suicide is a public health issue, and we’re here to talk about education, prevention and resources.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month 2020 — My Brain’s Not Broken

Normal!

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“I didn’t want normal until I didn’t have it anymore”
― Maggie Stiefvater,Lament: The Faerie Queen’s Deception

A Reblog: Hatred From An Unlikely Source – Internalized Homophobia — Overcoming OCD

Did you know that gay and bisexual man are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than the rest of the population? Or that LGBT+ are one and a half times more likely to develop depression and anxiety than heterosexuals? June is Pride Month and I think this is the perfect time to talk about […]

via Hatred From An Unlikely Source – Internalized Homophobia — Overcoming OCD

A Reblog: Some Surprising Mental Illness Statistics — Mental Health @ Home

While I know that people tend to be somewhat skeptical of statistics, I thought it would still be interesting to explore some of the stats that are out there related to mental illness. Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) These figures come from CAMH in Toronto, Canada, on their Facts and statistics page. Mental […]

via Some Surprising Mental Illness Statistics — Mental Health @ Home

A Re-Blog: Psychiatric Medication Pitfalls — Blogger Community

I’ve spent much of my mental health posts discussing symptoms, treatments, breaking stigma, and ways to ask for or offer help. What I’ve been reluctant to address because there is so much stigma-and yes, many pitfalls- are psychiatric medications to treat conditions like bipolar disorder and depression. I am a firm believer in medication, when […]

via Psychiatric Medication Pitfalls — Blogger Community

A Re-blog: When Your Brain Is Drained – OCD & Mental Exhaustion — Overcoming OCD

Have you ever felt emotionally drained or had the impression that your problems are impossible to overcome? Have you ever had the feeling that you do not care about anything anymore and you’re just way too tired to do things that you used to enjoy? Well, I guess most of us have had similar feelings […]

via When Your Brain Is Drained – OCD & Mental Exhaustion — Overcoming OCD

Pain + Depression = ?

silhouette-back-pain-man-ache-

“I started feeling afraid of my own body, like it was a torture chamber I’d been trapped inside.”
― Talia HibbertGet a Life, Chloe Brown

I have had severe problems with my back since I was in my teens.  It would come and go, so I didn’t really feel to curb my activities.

Then in 1987 I was a passenger on a motor bike.  The driver on an August day ran into the back of a car.  The impact sent me hurling through the air to land on my butt.  The results were I tore all the ligaments away from my spine.

So, with that I have had prescribed at one time or another some strong painkillers, such as, morphine, Oxycontin, and fentanyl patch.  

Now mix in being bi-polar, this was before diagnosis, and I was a total sorry person.  There were nights where I didn’t sleep at all, days where I was totally buzzed on painkillers, so bad, that I couldn’t remember what I ate the night before.  Conversations took place where I didn’t remember them either.

Eventually I land in the Mental Health Ward for severe depression. I learned on that visit that I was bi-polar. That was step one.

It became a red alert with the painkillers.  I spoke with my family doctor and my Psychiatrist about coming off all the narcotics.  They told me I could do it from home or go through it while admitted.  I chose the latter.  That was step two.

I am in constant pain, this is something I have seldom wrote about on this blog.  I feel it could be helpful maybe for someone who is experiencing chronic pain.

So, I am not sure what to call it when you mix pain and depression.  Whatever the term would be, I just try to survive one day at a time!

The Crazy World Of Depression

carry-the-world“It’s okay to be crazy and scared and brave at the same time!”
― Kelly Epperson

Crazy Qoutes

There are those days when I think I just want to scream. Scream about what I don’t know, I just want to scream.

Then there are the days where I feel I could take on the world, have all the answers to life’s woes.  Reality though tells me that I don’t know what I am talking about.

Pills, pills, pills.  Take in the morning, take at supper time, take at bed time.  Green pill to get going, red pill to stop, I take more pills than I eat in calories.

Pardon me, but it is just one of those days that thoughts like these take over.  I try to stay positive in such a negative climate.

So, I will carry on, maybe tomorrow will be a day when the crazy world of depression won’t seem to be so bad!

Look For Blog Changes

New Pages

Over a period of time I will be making some changes to this blog. Adding pages that will cover different topics.  Topics like; Eschatology(The Study of Last Things), Devotional, In The News, (and maybe a page for Guest Posts).

Mental Health Page

My blogging about my challenges with mental health will remain and stay the same.

The new pages may not be for everyone, but I would like to start again on the very thing I have been studying since in my teen years, The Bible.  This will not be a page of bashing, the main topic will be focused on Bible Prophecy(Eschatology).

More Energy 

I am going to try to give my blog some more of my energy, try to engage more with you the reader .

So, I hope you will give me feedback on the things you like or dislike on the upcoming changes!