Oh What Relief!

 “Since chronic pain frequently cannot be seen or measured, unlike acute pain, doctors, colleagues, friends, or family may question or doubt your pain. In effect, it doesn’t matter if anyone believes you, but it is extremely important for you to acknowledge that all pain is real.”—Pain Recovery: How to Find Balance and Reduce Suffering from Chronic Pain 

Over time I have mentioned the pain in my hip. On October 19,20 I went to have an MRI exam. Today the doctor told me the results. My hip is totally wrecked, thinking that the hip at some time stopped receiving blood to it.

Oh What A Relief It is!

Yes, I did say, “what a relief it is”. I have been living with all types of fear of what might be wrong. Lately I thought it could be cancer due to the fact that this year I had two relatives die because of that wicked disease.

There was the other thought, people may think I am faking it to draw attention to myself. I heard that when it came to dealing with mental illness, so it would not have surprised me if they were saying that.

Next came the guilt. The guilt of not being able to walk my dog, make my own meals, do some housework chores, and not able to go shopping. These thoughts of guilt plagued me day and night. I was becoming my own worse enemy with beating myself up.

Now comes the referral to an orthopedic surgeon. I have seen him before because of a fracture in my knee, so, there is no problem of dealing with him. It will be the waiting that will frustrate me. This province has a severe problem with waiting lists and times. I now look forward to the plan he will present to solve this hip problem. More than likely it will be replaced. Whatever it has to be I am at peace with it.

So dear reader, for most people hearing a report about a damaged hip would think that is bad news. For this guy hearing what the problem is, finally knowing what is causing the extreme pain. Yes, for me, oh what a relief it is!

Your Silence Is Too Loud!

It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.
Judith Lewis Herman


Growing up in my generation there was a silent rule about children, they were to be seen not heard.

I am not sure how old I was when I first understood death, but I was probably ten years old. I can recall my grandmother and others talking in hush tones about a great uncle. I heard enough to know that they found him in his garage, doors closed, laying under the exhaust. I learned several years later that it was called suicide.

The very first funeral that I ever attended was that for my maternal grandfather in 1975, I was thirteen. I still can see him laying in the coffin. That image made me to never want to see a funeral ever again with an open casket. Why, because that is the last image that you see is the one that you usually remember.

There were too many things that those adults thought a child shouldn’t hear. Well sometimes I needed to hear your voice. Yes, hear it when I was being beat on by my father. When in 2000 sent a message during my mother’s death that he was going to kill me, I couldn’t hear you then either.

Maybe I would have loved to hear your voice after school that you were proud of me getting good grades, only to be asked “can’t you do better”?

How about someone sitting me down to explain why things were happening in my body, why my voice was changing. You know all those things that a young male should be told going into puberty. Oh I hear, your silence led me to have to learn about all that on the streets. Information eventually to be wrong.

I needed your voice to talk with me before I was going to be married. How about what I should expect on the wedding night. Yes, maybe if you would have spoken up I wouldn’t have been so crazy nervous.

Now, about that young man who is being beat upon by a group of thugs, several people watching, but the voice of the bystanders silent where they should have helped or at least called for help.

So many different times where if you would have broken your silence things would have had a different outcome. The woman who is being abused, the child who is being kicked around, the student in the school yard being bullied. Yes, you could have made a difference, but, you just kept silent.

So dear reader those are times when their silence was too loud!

What You Don’t See

“I’d never known that I could feel this broken and whole at once.”
― Rachel L. Schade, Silent Kingdom


For this post and the following two I will be working around the above image, “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.”

If I did not reveal that I had these you would never know, yes physical challenges are noticeable, sometimes a person’s age, gender. The parts of me that you don’t see are those emotional scars.

All of the diagnostic tests cannot reveal these traces of past hurts, some a long time ago, others distant memories, and even some which seem they are fresh. These scars reminds me of all the times I have been lied about, used, abused, some can even be reopened like ripping the scab of a fresh wound.

They can at times cloud my judgement screaming at me, “watch out they will turn on you”, “careful they only want something then disappear” “have you forgotten all the names they have called you”. Yes, if I am not diligent there will be decisions made with a hand on the scale of judgment.

Then there are those now when I look at them that only brings a smile. Remembering the good times I spent with my grandfather singing, or the times I would just call my mother just to hear her voice. Yes, they are gone, the scar remains, but for me they are still here somewhere within my being.

One positive note about those unseen scars, they have taught me not to make snap judgments about my fellow human being. To treat them they way I want to be treated. Be understanding when they seem to stand afar off, it just might be that they have scars of their own, more than likely they do. When it comes to my speech is to try my best to keep it civil.

So dear reader I recognize that life brings scars, scars do not heal quickly, they can be like the ghosts that spoke to Scrooge in Charles Dickens writings.

Use To Your Own Detriment!

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“Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”
― Coretta Scott King

I have a relative that must take baths in hate.  A grievance collector that never forgets who did what, who said what.  Revenge is something that this person give constant thought of how to go about it.


“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Mark Twain


It is my understanding that the person suffers from other ailments, digestion being the major one.

I have another relative that was having stomach troubles, had to get a prescription to stop the pain after eating. The relative went to see a specialist, the first thing he asked, “what is eating you”? Notice he did not want to know what they were eating.  It was true that the person was harboring ill feelings towards someone who had wronged them.

I learned a long time ago that it does nothing to hold extreme hatred or anger over what someone has done to them.  When I have been wronged I just move on.  Now do not misunderstand, I do get angry sometimes, but I do not give it free space within my mind.


“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”
― Shannon L. Alder


My father and I were never close, I really do not have any fond memories about him with me.  He had anger issues and when triggered it could get physical, usually I ended up being the punching bag.

In around 1980 I had just started travelling with the evangelist, we were in a Christian TV studio holding a crusade in Detroit, Michigan.  One afternoon my father showed up to a meeting. 

After the meeting he asked if we could go for coffee.  I agreed hoping that maybe something new would happen between us.  We ended up in a mall walking around and talking.  I spotted a Music store that had pianos, organs, etc.,. I told my father, “Watch this“.  I walked over to a digital piano that was on display outside of the store door.  I turned it on and started to play it.  A crowd started to gather, so with glee I continued for awhile.  The store didn’t mind me doing so. I guess they figured that maybe they would end up with some sales.  We then walked away and my dad asked me, “when did you learn to play like that”?  I just smiled on the inside even though I wanted to give a snide remark. 

I have not seen my dad since the late eighties for my own mental health stability.  I do not wish him any harm, nor do I hold any ill feelings towards him.

My way of working through anger may not fit you, the reader.  It is a personal thing that each individual has to wrestle with it in their own way.

So dear reader I hope that maybe something I wrote on this post will give you some ideas on how to manage anger!

Special Note

For the past month or more I have been struggling with severe pain in my hip.  My doctor feels it is bursitis.  This has hampered my mobility around my house.  I haven’t been able to sit up for any great lengths of time.

It is the reason for many reblogs on my blog. If I don’t seem to get around to your comments etc., I hope you will understand.

I saw the doctor today and he wants to give me a stronger strength of cortisone.  He also prescribed for about a week, Tylenol 4 for controlling the pain.

I took two right after I had the prescription filled and for the moment the pain is bearable.

So, please know I can’t wait until I can log on more often than I have done in the past weeks.

I consider everyone here in the WordPress community as friends, family!

We Have A Lot of Heroes!

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Just be yourself and be upfront about your expectations and desires. Don’t be ambiguous and play hard to get. It doesn’t work. You’ll end up in the friend zone. Mike Posner
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/upfront-quotes

I have not always been open in sharing my life, I mean I kept people at a distance.  I didn’t let many people in, I wanted to have a mystique about myself.

Since I started to write about my journey called the “bi-polar life” I have found it becomes easier to share more deeper issues.  Before this I had not ever spoken about my attempted suicide.  Except for my best friend no one else really saw me at my lowest when I first entered the Mental Health Ward.  That first time I know I probably kept my distance from others also admitted there.  The group therapy sessions were for others to talk, I didn’t enter into the conversation.

I came home after that trying my damndest to keep the same routine.  Yes, it worked for maybe a couple of weeks only to find myself falling back into my old ways.  Eventually I would find myself back in treatment, I started to become more involved in the groups, participating in the conversations, sharing my personal thoughts.

Writing posts on my blog has worked it’s wonder allowing me to feel freer in sharing more of my life.

Reading all of the posts of others has let me know that I am not the only one with feelings, going through the exact things like myself.

While I am reading your posts I say to myself, “that takes guts”.  I can feel the despair, the pain, the agony, that comes through your words.

So fellow blogger believe it or not, you are all heroes! Never stop writing your story!

A Re Blog: Stop hiding your Pain biggeneralsports.wordpress.com

Humans like to hide pain to show how tough of a man or woman there are.I am here to tell you stop hiding your pain and embrace it.Pain is like fire it can destroy you or be used to cook food for family gathering.It all depend on how you use it hiding it does not […]

via Stop hiding your pain. —biggeneralsports.wordpress.com