Processing

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The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret. Henri Frederic Amiel
Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/regret-quotes_2

Healing is a strange slow moving process.  When I had a broken arm they knew it because of an x-ray.  To determine how well it was healing they used the same process.

Healing for the mind is a much different beast.  Any type of imaging will not show the breakdown within that human computer.

I know some people who just don’t talk about what is happening within them.  They keep it pent up, brewing, seething, eating away at them.  I have learned that this begins to show itself with physical ailments.  They are a walking volcano that nobody has a clue just when it will erupt spewing all the emotions on anyone within reach. 

Some in my own family do not talk about relatives who have died.  I heard or read somewhere that the best way to keep someone alive is to talk about them.  I talk constantly about my mother, grandmother, grandfather, and others. It brings back warm emotions that counter-act any negativity that might be trying to take root.

I have also come to terms with regrets in my past.  I cannot travel back in time to change any situation, yet, I cannot move forward with my attention always looking backward. So, to move forward is to come to peace with all those regrets.

When I was younger and heard someone talk about a journal I always pictured it as something a young woman would do.  I now know that journal-ling can aid in the healing of the mind.  I do not regret starting this blog, it has allowed me to express my emotions with a positive outcome. 

So dear reader, I have learned healing takes time. It also comes in many different forms.  All I can tell you is just go with the processing!

Oh I Wonder, Wonder, Wonder…

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Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future. Swami Sivananda
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/past-mistakes-quotes

Every once in awhile I find myself wondering how different my life would been like if I hadn’t made some of the mistakes throughout life.  Some mistakes I guess is just part of growing up, curiosity, exploration, yet why did I not ask for advice from my parents, teachers, or a friend.

I doubt very much that not many people find their grade eight teacher knocking at their door. Well for me this was true.  We were just starting to supper when the knock came.  He wanted to talk with my mother, meanwhile I am trying to think if I did something stupid that day in school.  He gave some suggestions for my mother to help me after graduating high school.  He wanted my mother to encourage me to pursue becoming a lawyer because he believed I was intelligent enough.  Well, I never followed that path!

Then there is the day I made the decision to hop on the back of a motorcycle.  We both worked at the same factory, both had doctors appointments the same day, both lived in the same small town.  Well, it was a beautiful summer day, no clouds, just a nice breeze.  We were travelling on Highway 401 in Ontario just outside the city of London.  I do not know where the driver’s thought were, but obliviously it wasn’t on the road ahead of him. He ran into the back of a car, the jolt sent me flying landing on my buttocks.  The results were, after x-rays in the emergency department , I had ripped everything away from my spine.  I have not ridden on a motorbike since then.  So, every time my back is feeling unbearable pain, I kick myself for riding on that bike.

I probably could go on and on thinking about my life step by step.  The only thing that would come of it is a major pity trip.  A pity party on the way to depression valley.

So dear reader, make yourself a note, when you are in your senior years take some advice from this soon-to- be senior.  Do not allow yourself to wonder, wonder, wonder!

 

Finding Peace, Missed Opportunities

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“Nothing is more expensive than a?missed opportunity.” H.Jackson Brown JR

I was in grade eight nearing my graduation.  We were having dinner when there was a knock at the door.  My mom thought it was one of our friends, she went to the door and there stood my grade eight teacher.  He started talking to my mother about my education after graduation.  First, he wanted my mom to hold me back a year because I was small for my age.  The second thing stunned my mom and me also. He told my mother to encourage me to take the route of getting a law degree. He also said he believed I was smart enough.

All through my life there has been opportunities that came my way.  Usually though I would shrug them off, I was bound and determine to be a musician, then a preacher.  Those opportunities are now missed opportunities.

I still wrestle with some of those missed opportunities.  I often daydream what life would be like if I would have chosen one of them.  I get the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve moments.

It has been a long road finding peace with those that I missed.  They were like ghosts hanging around in this thing in me called a mind.

How time has changed things.  To even have a shot of a decent life a person needs a university degree.  Just to be a teacher the minimum from what I understand is a Masters degree. Without a degree you may find yourself pumping gas at an all night convenience store.

When I was a Pastor a mother spoke to me and told me that her daughter dropped out of high school. I gave the mother my assurance that I would speak to her.  One Sunday the daughter attended with her mother.  After the service I asked the daughter if I could have a word with her.  I told her that I was a high school dropout, that I regretted every day of my life.  I heard through the grapevine that the daughter went back to school and graduated from school with a nursing degree.  Before she graduated she already had a job waiting for her.

So, today as I ponder over all those missed opportunities I am trying to find any good thing that has come of all that.  I am finding peace with my missed opportunities!

Oh How I Wish!

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“If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person. It’s how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit.” – William J. Clinton

https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/quotes/regret-quotes

I just saw an advertising where the dad and daughter were playing scrabble which lead to a pillow fight, oh how it looked fun.

I talk about my grandchildren, but I have not spoken much about my divorce, the separation of my daughter and myself. 

When my first wife divorced me we were living in Ontario, Canada.  She decided to move to Saskatchewan,  Canada along with our daughter.  That meant I would not have convenient access to seeing my daughter.  She was a miracle child because her mother was not suppose to have children, especially one where she would go through natural child birth, her pelvic area was too small.  The fear was if she were to go into labor the child could be crushed causing the death of the child and her mother.

Divorce is one thing a couple never dreams about when they take their marriage vows of til death do you part.  Divorce was something that I would never want for I lived to watch my mom and dad go through one.  I wasn’t living at home when it happened but still I felt the sting of it.  I watched what happened to the two youngest siblings during the divorce of my parents.

I have lived with that regret all my life.  All the important events like watching my daughter ride a bicycle for the first time.  Learning to drive, and the all important event, watching her walk down the isle to marry her partner.

There is one thing that happens when you have regrets, you become stagnant, always looking backward.  Afraid of moving forward in life, unable to make commitments, living with a hole in your spirit, becoming a pessimist about life in the whole. 

I have found that there is life after a mistake, a lifting of the cloud on your mind, a way to get back up and move forward in your life.  Learning that your life can be fulfilling, a new zest, sparkle, and hope for my future.

I have constant contact now with my daughter, wonderful times with my grandchildren, filling a new treasure chest with wonderful happy memories. 

So, I can truly say, it may feel like you are stuck in the muck of despair, but it doesn’t have to be a long slog of hurting.  You can pick yourself up and live a life that is fulfilling, filled with joy and enthusiasm!