What You Don’t See

“I’d never known that I could feel this broken and whole at once.”
― Rachel L. Schade, Silent Kingdom


For this post and the following two I will be working around the above image, “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.”

If I did not reveal that I had these you would never know, yes physical challenges are noticeable, sometimes a person’s age, gender. The parts of me that you don’t see are those emotional scars.

All of the diagnostic tests cannot reveal these traces of past hurts, some a long time ago, others distant memories, and even some which seem they are fresh. These scars reminds me of all the times I have been lied about, used, abused, some can even be reopened like ripping the scab of a fresh wound.

They can at times cloud my judgement screaming at me, “watch out they will turn on you”, “careful they only want something then disappear” “have you forgotten all the names they have called you”. Yes, if I am not diligent there will be decisions made with a hand on the scale of judgment.

Then there are those now when I look at them that only brings a smile. Remembering the good times I spent with my grandfather singing, or the times I would just call my mother just to hear her voice. Yes, they are gone, the scar remains, but for me they are still here somewhere within my being.

One positive note about those unseen scars, they have taught me not to make snap judgments about my fellow human being. To treat them they way I want to be treated. Be understanding when they seem to stand afar off, it just might be that they have scars of their own, more than likely they do. When it comes to my speech is to try my best to keep it civil.

So dear reader I recognize that life brings scars, scars do not heal quickly, they can be like the ghosts that spoke to Scrooge in Charles Dickens writings.

Somebody Pass The Salt

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Boredom, anger, sadness, or fear are not ‘yours,’ not personal. They are conditions of the human mind. They come and go. Nothing that comes and goes is you. Eckhart Tolle
Read more at Boredom-Quotes

Around my neighborhood if you were to ask someone how they were doing the reply would be one word, “bored”.  I can imagine this would hold true in any neighborhood in any corner of the world.

There is only so many games of cards you can play, reading books is at a standstill because the library is closed, television has become tiresome trying to keep away from the cable tv.

I do not handle boredom that well I become antsy and uptight.  I just don’t have any idea left on what I can do around my house.  Cooking is at a minimum because eating too much seems to put on the pounds.

My dog Natalie is usually good for a laugh or two.  Nice to have sit by me and just cuddle on the couch while I am reading a Kindle edition of a book.

So, the list is too long to count the number of different emotions I have during any twenty-four hour period.  I wonder how others are coping with this dreaded thing called “boredom”!

 I just need some spice in my life at this moment.  Somebody pass the salt!

The War Is Won One Battle At A Time

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“Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there’s nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression.”
― Jasmine Warga,  My Heart and Other Black Holes

There are days in my life that if I allowed myself I would sit and wallow in my hurts, wounds, and of course, self – pity.

It would be oh so easy to stay down because it would not require any effort or energy on my part.  I could just lay there and roll myself into a cocoon, shut the world out, and never venture to look upwards to see some sunshine. 

I have on occasion spent more time alone sitting in utter darkness not seeing or hearing from anyone.  It could be that I can tolerate long periods of time in my own company.  I have been like that more than I would like to admit.

There are times when I look back and wonder how I could put myself out and center stage to sing or to deliver a message.

I am now quite content just to have a few people around me, no crowds, just one or two that I can visit with.  Sometimes just to sit and watch a program with barely uttering a word to each other.  There are times that I just sit quietly and read a book with soft music in the background.

I love it when my daughter comes and brings the grandchildren to visit, but I admit, I am exhausted, that after they leave I have to take a nap to rest for awhile.  The grandchildren are not toddlers but still have so much more energy and keeping up with them requires all my faculties.

***I know and realize that I may fall seven times, but I cannot stay down, I must get up for the eighth time and press forward.***

Every day that I make it through is one battle won, tomorrow is it’s own battle.  Don’t stay in the cocoon but stick my head up and absorb some sunshine, meditate on something more than myself.  Maybe, speak a word of kindness that brings a smile to someone else.

So, I cannot forget that I can only win the war one battle at a time!

First Guest Post: Letter To Self #MILLENNIALLIFECRISIS

Today marks a milestone for this blog, the very first Guest Post.

It is written by someone who I consider her blog as a must read every day.  So many helpful insights. Her name is Vee, her blog: https://millenniallifecrisis.org/.  If you have never visited her blog I would suggest that you click on the link above, take some time and read some of her posts.


Letter To A Depressed Self

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Dear Self,

So, this is depression.

This is complete and utter, downright sadness day in and day out.

This is heartbreak and heartache and consistent anxiety about everything that happens.

So this is the new normal. This is what I get. This is who I am now. I’ve tried to hide from it for a long time, but the truth is, running has done me no favors.

I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, nor the afternoon either, if I am being totally honest. Most days, I just don’t want to exist. Eating is a struggle, smiling seems like the world’s most difficult task and quite frankly, I don’t want to talk to people because I don’t want to hear their opinions on the matter.

‘Just get over it!’ They’ll say.

‘Take some time for yourself!’ They’ll say.

‘Be happy!’ They’ll say.

Yeah, as if they could possibly understand this feeling. They all sound so nice and it sounds so easy in theory, but the fact of the matter is, I just can’t. And the secret truth to the matter is, I just don’t want to. Not today. I don’t want to leave this bed.

The world has kicked down so many times as of late that I’ve stopped counting. And you know what, I’d consider myself a relatively positive person overall, but sometimes I just can’t help but feel bad. This ache in my heart doesn’t seem to go away. And I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling. I think this is something a lot of people feel. We all struggle at one time or another. I’m not going to sit here and compare my struggles to anyone else, but I’ll just say that sometimes the funk is what gets you through. Sometimes the funk (and not leaving your bed) is all that you have.

And that’s okay.
Though, I want you to promise me something, self. Promise me that you’re not going to let this depression win. Promise me that you’re going to get better, be better and be more. Promise me that one day you’re going to smile because you want to, not because you have to.

Self, I want you to remember these times. Because these times of sorrow and emptiness are giving your strength. It might not seem like it now, but they’re building a fortitude deep inside of you that will one day make your greatness truly immeasurable. One day self, you’re going to be on top of the world. I know it might not seem like it now, but you’ll get there, I can promise you that. So promise me now, self, that you’re not going to give up. Because one day I want you to be able to look back and thank god that you didn’t give up.

This funk may be where you’re at in life right now, but it isn’t where you’re going to be forever. Whether you take the advice of others, or leave it, please don’t ignore me when I say that this too will pass. So promise me self, that you’re going to keep going. Promise me that one day you’re going to look back on this and laugh at the distant memory of what was. Promise me that you’re going to understand when others go through it and that you’re going to help.
Self, I need you to keep going. I need you to know there’s so much more to this world that you’ve yet to discover. You can stay in bed today, you can even stay in bed tomorrow if you want to. But promise me, self, that you’re going to get out of that bed eventually. That you’re going to make an effort. That’ you’re going to believe in yourself. Promise me that you’re going to make the change. Promise me that you’re going to get back up every time the world kicks you over. Promise me that you’ll never stop fighting the current, no matter how far you find yourself from shore. Promise me that you’ll catch your breath each time you get the wind knocked out of your lungs.

You’re the only person that can help yourself out of this. I hope that you know the power is within you. It may seem impossible now, but I promise you, self, it’s going to to be worth it. I only want what’s best for you in this life, I hope that you know that. And I hope that you do to, self. Never stop fighting.

Sincerely,

Me


My personal thanks and hats off to Vee for a post well written.

Remember, take some time to check out Vee’s blog at: https://millenniallifecrisis.org/