How I Managed The Pain of Abuse – Continued

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person.”
Louise Hay

What I am about to write, and what you are about to read, may not be your cup of tea. It is not my intention to tell you how to handle the hurts that have happened throughout your life. This old guy recognizes that pain that has been inflicted through the actions of someone else is difficult even on the best of days.

I am writing to share how I arrived where I am today, yes, scarred, bruised, and sometimes dejected. I have found everyone heals differently, also how they approach handling rejection, accusations, and emotional hell.

I am not going to write a sermon, yet, I will say my faith has carried me throughout my roughest times.

There were times growing up that I would cry and ask, “why did I have to be born”, “what did I do wrong”? My self esteem was low and to put it nicely, I had to look up to touch bottom. I am sure that those who shot the arrows didn’t care about the deep pain they inflicted. I have learned that abusers take glee silently and it makes them feel superior over the abused.

There is a story I heard that sort of describes how I have managed the pain of the abuse both physically and emotionally. The farmer had a pig that fell into a deep hole. The hole was too deep for the farmer to rescue the pig. So, the farmer decided he would bury the pig live. He went for a shovel and started to throw dirt down over the pig. Well, the pig shocked the old farmer for what it did. You see, the pig shook off the dirt patted it under his feet. When the farmer saw that he realized how to rescue that pig. He started throwing dirt over the pig. Once again, the pig shook it off and patted it under his feet. It wasn’t very long that the pig had patted enough dirt under him that he was soon out of the pit.

I am not one that carries a grudge, I do not seek revenge, what I do though, I just cut the cord of that person out of my life.

Let me be honest, I do have my moments where I think about having a pity party. What my father did to me was create in me to work to be better than him. To do something with my life. I put blood sweat and tears learning to play that piano. Five years later I was traveling across my home country and America doing what I loved, playing the piano, singing, and then learning a new talent, playing an organ. No one can claim that they did that, nobody but me, I did all that and lifted myself out of a low self-esteem.

So dear reader, all I can say is, that was my road out of the pain. I am still a work in progress, but, I am not the old guy I was even five years ago!

How Is Your Emotional Well-Being?

“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.”
― Jess C. Scott, Clear: A Guide to Treating Acne Naturally

I probably could guess and be correct, most people who are bi-polar knows about the extreme mania to the deep depression. I understand that in woman going through menopause that they have a more acute situation.

When I stop to think about how messed up I was before being treated for bi-polar. With the extreme mania it wasn’t out of the question that I would stay awake for more than twenty-four hours.

Then when I hit bottom I truly would fall apart. Arguing with my best friend, wouldn’t answer my phone, had no appetite for eating, just sit and drink coffee with a cigarette.(I no longer smoke, going on six years since I have quit) Coffee I still drink it!(probably more than I should…lol)

Emotional well-being

Emotional well-being refers to the emotional quality an individual experiences. Emotional well-being is influenced by a variety of demographic, economic, and situational factors. For example, the onset of the COVID-19 outbreak, lowered emotional well-being by 74%. Wikipedia

During these stressful times I sometimes wish that things would return to a somewhat normal. I do not go out much, when I do it is for a doctor’s appointment. I find myself getting frustrated with the mask, it fogs up my glasses. Would love to hear how to stop that.

If that definition holds true I must have a terrible state of emotional well-being. I can answer in the negative on two of the three factors stated.

So dear reader I take extra steps during the day. Turn off the news, listen to some music on iTunes, read a book. Anything to keep my emotional well-being healthy!

Dealing With Mental Blocks


“Don’t let mental blocks control you. Set yourself free. Confront your fear and turn the mental blocks into building blocks.”
― Dr Roopleen,Words to inspire the winner in YOU

I have sat in front of my laptop over the last several days with the task of writing in mind.  I would start a post only to find myself half way through hitting the delete button.  I just couldn’t keep my train of thought focused, found myself wandering in my thoughts.

I am realizing that I am not alone in this way, mental blocks, writer’s block are very common even for the best authors.

Mental Block –  

… [I]t can also be an inability to continue or complete a train of thought, as in the case of writer’s block. In the case of writer’s block, many find it helpful to take a break and revisit their topic. [source:]

I found on Google some suggestions in tackling these mental blocks.  Here is what I found:

7 Unexpected Ways to Get Around Mental Blocks
  1. Freewrite. When you are feeling stuck, open up a new Word doc, and start writing about whatever is on your mind. …
  2. Tackle smaller tasks first. …
  3. Change your environment. …
  4. Learn something new. …
  5. Revisit past experiences. …
  6. See what your friends are up to. …
  7. Analyze other people’s ideas.


So dear reader I thought I would share with you something I am sure many have experienced. I am going to try some of the ways mention to overcome mental blocks.

In The Name Of Racism?

Handcuffed Arrest


“No matter how big a nation is, it is no stronger than its weakest people, and as long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you might otherwise.”Marian Anderson, singer

Some questions I would like to ask a racist.

  1. Who taught you racism, your mother, your father, someone else in your family?
  2. Does it make you feel better when you step on others so that you look big?
  3. Is your self-esteem so low that picking on the innocence’s?
  4. What are you hiding about yourself that you don’t want others to know about?
  5. Do you think being around LGBTQ will give you a disease?
  6. You do know that were are all human, that we all have two arms and legs, etc.,?
  7. Do you really believe that a black family moving into your neighborhood will cause land properties to go down?

So dear reader we must start treating each other as equals.  We are not superior or inferior to others.  We all want love, want to belong, to be understood.  Yes, it is time to start, to start now!


Success Is In The…


“Define success on your own terms, achieve it by your own rules, and build a life you’re proud to live.”
 Anne Sweeney, an American businesswoman, co-chair of Disney Media, and President of Disney Channel from 1996-2014.

When I traveled with the evangelist sometimes if I knew there was a better organist I would step aside and let them play.  One day another musician came to me and said, “never take a back seat at the organ, you are just as good as the others”.  I didn’t feel like I was a success, I was measuring my success against those of others.  I never stepped aside ever again to another musician.

I have most of my life compared myself against others.  I always felt like I just didn’t measure up.  I was at a Preacher’s convention, it was a morning service and there was no musician.  They asked if there was a piano player available.  I raised my hand but I was ignored.  The host told me I didn’t look good enough.  I didn’t have a suit back then because my parents could not afford me the luxury.  Those words from that host stuck with me for quite some time.

“Being a successful person is not necessarily defined by what you have achieved, but by what you have overcome.”- Fannie Flagg

Several years ago after being in treatment I finally came to the realization that I was killing myself trying to be the most popular guy in the room.  News flash, I quit the popularity race!

So dear reader, success is in the eye of the beholder!


Let Me Keep My Dignity

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

The most luxurious possession, the richest treasure anybody has, is his personal dignity. Jackie Robinson

Several years ago I was hospitalized for pneumonia.  Well in the hospital I developed the flu.  I was bedridden and trips to the washroom was out of the question.  To be polite there were times when I could not wait for a nurse or assistant, thus I ended up dirtying myself.  The first couple of times I was totally embarrassed.  One of the nurses brought calm to me by telling me to relax I wasn’t the only one that had this type of situation. 

Yesterday I had to make a trip to another city to have cortisone shots once again in my lower back.  I had never met this doctor so I had to go through my entire life of medications, previous problems with bones and joints.  I know that he was just doing what is required by him.  For some strange reason I found myself growing indignant with the whole situation.  He gave me the shots and I send thank you and good bye.

I can empathize with those who are in situations that are not made by the person.  Those looking for employment, those who must rely on a Government safety net.  Frustration grows when the words “why” and “how come” keep being asked to you.  Repeating the history of your life with every new potential employer, physician, social worker.

Trying to keep your dignity intact by not losing your temper at the person sitting across the desk for you.  Not reaching out and striking them, or just plainly getting up from the chair you in and leaving.

So, I all I want when I have to sit across from you is, “Please let me keep my dignity”!

The Reflection In The Mirror


I go through the same kind of situations as other people. I have to give that to people, because people have this facade, this mirage, this mirror about me. Tory Lanez

For most of my life I have never truly liked what I saw in the mirror.  My facial features such as, my nose, lips, ears.  I was tall and extremely thin, it was this that caused me great kidding from other kids in school.  When I entered high school I was six foot two and weighed only ninety-nine pounds. I was self conscious about my looks overall.

As a musician I didn’t take a back seat to anyone.  Music was the one thing I was confident about.  

It is not funny how mental health issues slowly erodes your self-esteem.  The media, t.v., etc., portrayed people with mental health challenges like they had a lobotomy.  

The generation of my parents, grandparents did not speak about such matters. If they did it was when the children were absent from the room, they spoke about it in hushed tones.

Lately when I look at myself in the mirror I barely recognize the person I see reflected back at me.  At times I would rather not look at any mirror, a shiny surface that may show my reflection.

So, yes I know that other people have the same problems, issues in their life.  They seem to be coping quite well.  I wonder how they do it. I wonder how those reading this post are coping with it.


Indentity Crisis

Mat 16:  MSG
13  When Jesus arrived in the villages of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “What are people saying about who the Son of Man is?”
14  They replied, “Some think he is John the Baptizer, some say Elijah, some Jeremiah or one of the other prophets.”
15  He pressed them, “And how about you? Who do you say I am?”
16  Simon Peter said, “You’re the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”
17  Jesus came back, “God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah! You didn’t get that answer out of books or from teachers. My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am.
18  And now I’m going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock. This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out.
19  “And that’s not all. You will have complete and free access to God’s kingdom, keys to open any and every door: no more barriers between heaven and earth, earth and heaven. A yes on earth is yes in heaven. A no on earth is no in heaven.
20  He swore the disciples to secrecy. He made them promise they would tell no one that he was the Messiah.

Joh 17:  MSG
15  Just as I didn’t join the world’s ways. I’m not asking that you take them out of the world But that you guard them from the Evil One.
16  They are no more defined by the world Than I am defined by the world.
17  Make them holy—consecrated—with the truth; Your word is consecrating truth.
18  In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world, I give them a mission in the world.
19  I’m consecrating myself for their sakes So they’ll be truth-consecrated in their mission.
20  I’m praying not only for them But also for those who will believe in me Because of them and their witness about me.

Rom 12:  MSG
1  So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.
2  Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Growing up can be frightening to a child always something new to grasp and understand.   School can be abusive, so many bullies on the playground, someone making fun of another because of looks, clothes, or maybe just not as quick when it came to understanding what the teacher was trying to teach.

I was one of those who always felt that I didn’t fit in.  It wasn’t because I was a little slower in learning.  My parents try to give us five children the best they could, both of them working to put food on the table and clothes on our back.  Deep inside of me I was feeling that I was alone.  I didn’t have lots of friends, usually I would have one best friend and that was good enough for me.  My interests were not the same as my peers going through school.

My interest was concentrated of learning a new gospel song with my grandfather.  I cannot remember a time where gospel music was not a part of me.  I didn’t know the lyrics to the latest pop or rock song.  Some of my family would listen to country music, no not the style of country music today, but, the stylings of Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash and many more from the Nashville Grand Ole Opry.

My other true interest was reading the Bible, yes, back then it was strictly the King James Version of the Bible.  I didn’t have any fancy library to access, just the Bible.  I can recall telling my mother that when I grew up I would be a preacher.  Somehow I knew that was what I was going to become, nothing more, nothing less.

Looking back on my life I guess I could say I had an identity crisis.

As christians living in this world we should almost be having an identity crisis.  We should not feel comfortable with the world around us.  To the child of God it should be like we are just a visitor passing through a land for just a short time.

If the Bible was one big self-esteem lesson we wouldn’t need a Saviour.  

Christ knew that when He left planet earth we humans would need protection.  He knew that we were like sheep being sent forth into a pack of wolves.

All through Biblical history we see where man has needed someone bigger than himself to guide him and protect him.

Joseph was placed in Eygpt for in due time it would be him that would save the Hebrew children from the famine spreading throughout the rest of the world.  Joseph was given divine insight to tell the pharaoh that in the seven years of plenty to store up wheat because there was coming seven years of famine.

Four hundred plus years later along comes a man who as a baby was found in a basket floating down the Nile river in the backyard of the pharaoh’s palace where the pharaoh’s daughter would rescue him.  The man was Moses.  He would go into exile as a wanted murderer and in the desert would have a God encounter.  The God, I am.  In that desert he would have to confront his own identity crisis when God gives Moses a command to go back to Eygpt and tell Pharaoh to let God’s people go.

Moses like us today questioned this plan, Moses a man with a stutter so God gives him his brother Joshua to be the speaker.  God did not send Moses unprepared, He taught Moses all that he would need to be the deliverer of the children of Israel.

All through the Bible we can see where God never sends His servants out to do a task without giving them the tools to get the job done.  No, not the equipment the world would use, tools that to the onlooking world would seem like foolishness.

Now, Christ’s death is approaching, time is running out the Son of God and yet there is still so much more to tell the disciples.  He knew that there was coming a period of time where the disciples would face their own identity crisis.

Christ gives them a command that seems ill timed.

Luk 24:  MSG
49  What comes next is very important: I am sending what my Father promised to you, so stay here in the city until he arrives, until you’re equipped with power from on high.”

I can imagine that the disciples in their finite minds were baffled questioning, ‘endued with power, what power’.

Fast forward to the day we now call the ‘day of Pentecost’.  They are shut in a rented upper room worried that they may be next.  That a knock on the door could mean Herod’s army coming to take them to their own deaths.

cloven tongues of fireWhat comes next is something like out of a great sci-fi movie.  A great mighty wind fills the entire place, it begins to shake and quake, and on the head of every individual is what appears to be ‘cloven tongues of fire’.

People down in the streets hear this great noise and begin to run up into the room.  They here men and women speaking languages other than their native language.  Speaking with languages that were discernable among all of those looking on at what would seem like a bunch of people who have lost their minds.

Peter, finally gaining control of his own native language gets up and delivers his first powerful sermon:

Act 2:  MSG
14  That’s when Peter stood up and, backed by the other eleven, spoke out with bold urgency: “Fellow Jews, all of you who are visiting Jerusalem, listen carefully and get this story straight.
15  These people aren’t drunk as some of you suspect. They haven’t had time to get drunk—it’s only nine o’clock in the morning.
16  This is what the prophet Joel announced would happen:
17  “In the Last Days,” God says, “I will pour out my Spirit on every kind of people: Your sons will prophesy, also your daughters; Your young men will see visions, your old men dream dreams.
18  When the time comes, I’ll pour out my Spirit On those who serve me, men and women both, and they’ll prophesy.
19  I’ll set wonders in the sky above and signs on the earth below, Blood and fire and billowing smoke,
20  the sun turning black and the moon blood-red, Before the Day of the Lord arrives, the Day tremendous and marvelous;
21  And whoever calls out for help to me, God, will be saved.”
22  “Fellow Israelites, listen carefully to these words: Jesus the Nazarene, a man thoroughly accredited by God to you—the miracles and wonders and signs that God did through him are common knowledge—
23  this Jesus, following the deliberate and well-thought-out plan of God, was betrayed by men who took the law into their own hands, and was handed over to you. And you pinned him to a cross and killed him.
24  But God untied the death ropes and raised him up. Death was no match for him.
25  David said it all: I saw God before me for all time. Nothing can shake me; he’s right by my side.
26  I’m glad from the inside out, ecstatic; I’ve pitched my tent in the land of hope.
27  I know you’ll never dump me in Hades; I’ll never even smell the stench of death.
28  You’ve got my feet on the life-path, with your face shining sun-joy all around.
29  “Dear friends, let me be completely frank with you. Our ancestor David is dead and buried—his tomb is in plain sight today.
30  But being also a prophet and knowing that God had solemnly sworn that a descendant of his would rule his kingdom,
31  seeing far ahead, he talked of the resurrection of the Messiah—’no trip to Hades, no stench of death.’
32  This Jesus, God raised up. And every one of us here is a witness to it.
33  Then, raised to the heights at the right hand of God and receiving the promise of the Holy Spirit from the Father, he poured out the Spirit he had just received. That is what you see and hear.
34  For David himself did not ascend to heaven, but he did say, God said to my Master, “Sit at my right hand
35  Until I make your enemies a stool for resting your feet.”
36  “All Israel, then, know this: There’s no longer room for doubt—God made him Master and Messiah, this Jesus whom you killed on a cross.”
37  Cut to the quick, those who were there listening asked Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers! Brothers! So now what do we do?”
38  Peter said, “Change your life. Turn to God and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ, so your sins are forgiven. Receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.
39  The promise is targeted to you and your children, but also to all who are far away—whomever, in fact, our Master God invites.”
40  He went on in this vein for a long time, urging them over and over, “Get out while you can; get out of this sick and stupid culture!”
41  That day about three thousand took him at his word, were baptized and were signed up.

This is the day the ‘church’ was birthed.  Their identity crisis was over.  They now have put on the mind of Christ.

The modern day church/christians if they are going to win this world for Christ they must stop trying to use the ways of this old world.  The church needs to shake off the mind of this world and how it does things and start listening to the mind of Christ like the Apostle Paul commanded us to do.

God gave Christ’s church a command to go out and teach this world leading them to Christ Jesus.  God never sends out warriors without giving them the armour and weapons of warfare.

There are so many other points I would like to write in this article but it would become a small book.

The other day on social media someone asked me what is a former pastor, they had never heard that before.  I sent a message back stating it meant that I was no longer in active ministry.

That began my mind and my being to thinking, yes, I may no longer stand behind a physical pulpit every Sunday delivering a message to a congregation, but, I am still bringing forth the message of the cross.

I am not an active pastor, evangelist, but this term came to me, I am a revivalist.  For that is what is needed in these last perilous days.

Dear reader you may be facing your own identity crisis at this time in your life.  Down deep inside of you you don’t quite fit in with your peers at work, school or maybe even in your neighbourhood.  Remember, you are in this world but you are not a part of it.  You are just a wayfaring pilgrim passing through until you receive your heavenly home.  So, shake yourself, stand up in Christ for you are more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus your Lord!  Take and put on the full armor of God!

Rom 8:  MSG
36  They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
37  None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us.
38  I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow,
39  high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.