Treading…

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You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.”

Timber Hawkeye

Sometimes I find myself thinking of how I was before I saw a psychiatrist and started taking medications to treat me for being bi-polar, it makes shudder.

I truly do not know how I survived throughout that time.  I would become enraged at the most insignificant thing.  I would scream, cry, threaten to move, and on and on and on.  I was a total mess.  There were times I would be up all night sitting at my computer just wasting time, then sleep most of the next day.

I was someone who really was overwhelmed with all types of anxieties.  Never knew when I would have a panic attack, did not know anything about what is called “triggers”.

Everything came to a full blown explosion.  After my grandmother died in 2004 I lost myself overtaken by grief.  It just wasn’t her death, but it was on top of losing my mother four years later.  I started plotting how I would take my life.  I started giving all my food to my best friend.  There was nothing logical about the things I was doing, and to be honest I truly didn’t really care.  After a couple of hours my best friend finally realized what I was planning.  All that I know was a short time later I was being escorted into a police car, on my way to the hospital to be admitted to the Mental Health Ward in the local hospital.

I was like someone who jumped into the wrong end of the pool and finding out you are in over your head.  Now from what I understand is never start flailing your arms around like crazy.  This burns up your energy, the best thing you can do until help arrives is, just tread water.

I really do not have much permanent memories of my first admittance for treatment.  I do remember how I felt.  I was going through the motions, but I was totally disconnected from everything happening around me.

So, now when I start feeling overwhelmed, just stop flailing my arms wasting my energy.  I just need to just tread water until help arrives!